Jokes / Humor
This page last updated:
03/12/2009 08:26 PM
Different people look for
different things in the Ten Commandments. Some are looking for divine
guidance, some for a code of living. But most people are looking
for loopholes. - Sam Levenson
 Please accept our apologies in advance for any humor that offends
you. Our sense of humor is a little off the wall, but we believe we
frequently take ourselves much too seriously. As you can see by
the headings, we are not respecters of persons. If, by chance, you
are not offended and you feel left out, please feel free to email us
with your suggestion for a joke. We will do our best to make sure
and include some humor for you, too. After all, we don't want to
discriminate. Shalom.
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Kids Say The
Darnedest Things | Money
Matters
Pokes at
Christians | Death and Taxes
| Paws for Refreshment
Church/Synagogue Bulletin Bloopers
It's All In
How You Say It
The Door
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a
mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but
especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then
slide back together again.
The boy asked, "What is this, Father?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never
seen anything like this in my life. I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching
with amazement, a rather heavy, not too attractive, older lady walked up
to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady
walked between them into a small room. The walls closed and the
boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls
light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last
number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a
beautiful young woman stepped out. The father said quietly to his son,
"Go get your Mother."
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The Groceries
Once there was a Christian lady who lived
next door to an atheist. Everyday, when the lady prayed, the
atheist guy could hear her. He thought to himself, "She sure is
crazy, praying all the time like that. Doesn't she know there
isn't a God?"
Many times while she was praying, he would
go to her house and harass her, saying "Lady, why do you pray all the
time? Don't you know there is no God?" But she kept on praying.
One day, she ran out of groceries. As
usual, she was praying to the Lord explaining her situation and thanking
Him for what He was going to do. As usual, the atheist heard her
praying and thought to himself, "Humph. I'll fix her." He went to
the grocery store, bought a whole bunch of groceries, took them to her
house, dropped them off on the front porch, rang the door bell and then
hid in the bushes to see what she would do.
When she opened the door and saw the
groceries, she began to praise the Lord with all her heart, jumping,
singing and shouting. The atheist then jumped out of the bushes
and told her, "You ol' crazy lady! God didn't buy you those
groceries, I bought those groceries!"
Suddenly the lady shouted and began running
down the street, shouting and praising the Lord. The atheist chased
after her, and when he finally caught her, he asked what her problem
was. She said, "I knew the Lord would provide me with some groceries,
but I didn't know He was gonna make the devil pay for them!"
Nessie's Picnic
An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing
when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one
easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat at least a hundred feet
into the air. It then opened it's mouth waiting below to swallow them
both. As the man sailed head over heels and started to fall towards the
open jaws of the ferocious beast he cried out, "Oh, my God! Help me!"
Suddenly, the scene froze in place and as
the atheist hung in midair a booming voice came out of the clouds and
said, "I thought you didn't believe in Me!"
"God, come on, give me a break!" the man
pleaded, "Just seconds ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster
either!"
"Well," said God, "If you are a believer
you must understand that I won't work miracles to snatch you from
certain death in the jaws of the monster, but I can change hearts. What
would you have me do?"
The atheist thinks for a minute then says,
"God, please have the Loch Ness Monster believe in You also." God
replies, "So be it."
The scene starts in motion
again with the atheist falling towards the ravenous jaws of the monster.
Just then Nessie folds his claws together and says, "Lord, bless this
food You have so graciously provided"
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Send In the Clones
One day, all the scientists in the world decide that, since they can
clone people, cure the sick and have many advances in medicine, they no
longer need GOD. So they appoint one of the head scientists to go to
GOD, and tell him that he is no longer needed, and should retire.
The scientist goes to GOD and says, "GOD, as we have many new advances
in medicine, with new advances all the time, and we can virtually cure
all sicknesses and clone people, we all feel that you should retire."
GOD says, "Alright, I will do so. However, before I retire, I feel we
should have a man-making contest, and we are going to create them just
like I did in the days of Adam. The one with the best man wins, and the
loser has to retire."
The scientist says "Sure." He bends down and picks up a
handful of dirt, and GOD says, "No, No, No. You have to get your own dirt."
Changing Light Bulbs
How many religious people does it take to change a light bulb?
Charismatics: Only one. Hands already in the air.
Pentecostals: Ten. One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the
darkness.
Presbyterians: None. Lights will go on and off at predestined times.
Roman Catholic: None. Candles only.
Baptists: At least 15. One to change the light bulb, and three
committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato
salad.
Episcopalians: Three. One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks
and one to talk about how much better the old one was.
Mormons: Five. One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him
how to do it.
Unitarians: We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or
against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey
you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are
invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your
light bulb for the next Sunday service, in which we will explore a
number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent,
three-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to
luminescence.
Methodists: Undetermined. Whether your light is bright, dull, or
completely out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or
tulip bulb. Church wide lighting service is planned for Sunday. Bring
bulb of your choice and a covered dish.
Nazarene: Six. One woman to replace the bulb while five men review
church lighting policy.
Lutherans: None. Lutherans don't believe in change.
Amish: What's a light bulb?
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The
Barber
There
was a barber that thought that he should share his faith with his
customers more than he had been doing lately. So the next morning when
the sun came up and the barber got up out of bed he said, "Today I
am going to witness to the first man that walks through my door."
Soon
after he opened his shop the first man came in and said, "I want a
shave!" The barber said, "Sure, just sit in the seat and I'll
be with you in a moment." The barber went in the back and prayed a
quick desperate prayer saying, "God, the first customer came in and
I'm going to witness to him. So give me the wisdom to know just the
right thing to say to him. Amen."
Then
quickly the barber came out with his razor knife in one hand and a Bible
in the other while saying "Good morning sir. I have a question for
you..........Are you ready to die?"
The Meaning of
Christmas
The teacher, Mrs. Jones, was very curious
about how each of her students celebrated Christmas. She called on young
Patrick Murphy. "Tell me Patrick, what do you do at Christmas
time?" she asked. Patrick addressed the class, "Well Mrs. Jones,
me and my twelve brothers and sisters go to the midnight Mass and we
sing hymns, then we come home very late and we put mince pies by the
back door and hang up our stockings. Then all excited we go to bed and
wait for Father Christmas to come with all our toys."
"Very nice Patrick," she said. "Now, Jimmy Brown, what do you do at
Christmas?" Mrs. Jones asked.
"Well, Mrs. Jones, me and my sister also go
to Church with Mum and Dad and we sing carols and we get home ever so
late. We put cookies and milk by the chimney and we hang up our
stockings. We hardly sleep waiting for Santa Claus to bring our
presents, " Jimmy replied.
"That's also very nice Jimmy," she said. Realizing that there was a
Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to leave him out of the
discussion she asked Isaac Cohen the same question. "Now, Isaac Cohen,
what do you do at Christmas?" she asked.
Isaac said, "Well, we also sing carols!" Isaac responded.
Surprised, Mrs. Jones questioned further. "Tell us what you sing," Mrs.
Jones requested.
"Well, it's the same thing every year. Dad comes home from the office.
We all pile into the Rolls Royce, then we drive to his toy factory. When
we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves and begin to sing, 'What
a friend we have in Jesus.' Then we all go to the Bahamas."
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Venezuela
A
new missionary recruit went to Venezuela for the first time. He was
struggling with the language and didn't understand a whole lot of what
was going on. Intending to visit one of the local churches, he got lost,
but eventually got back on track and found the place.
Having
arrived late, the church was already packed. The only pew left was the
one on the front row.
So
as not to make a fool of himself, he decided to pick someone out of the
crowd to imitate. He chose to follow the man sitting next to him on the
front pew. As they sang, the man clapped his hands, so the missionary
recruit clapped too.
When
the man stood up to pray, the missionary recruit stood up too. When the
man sat down, he sat down. When the man held the cup and bread for the
Lord's Supper, he held the cup and bread.
During
the preaching, the recruit didn't understand a thing. He just sat there
and tried to look just like that man in the front pew.
Then
he perceived that the preacher was giving announcements. People clapped,
so he looked to see if the man was clapping. He was, and so the recruit
clapped too.
Then
the preacher said some words that he didn't understand and he saw the
man next to him stand up. So he stood up too. Suddenly a hush fell over
the entire congregation. A few people gasped. He looked around and saw
that nobody else was standing. So he sat down.
After
the service ended, the preacher stood at the door shaking the hands of
those who were leaving. When the missionary recruit stretched out his
hand to greet the preacher, the preacher said, in English: "I take
it you don't speak Spanish."
The
missionary recruit replied: "No I don't. It's that obvious?"
"Well
yes," said the preacher, "I announced that the Acosta family
had a newborn baby boy and would the proud father please stand up."
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Lock and Load
An
elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening service when
she was startled by an intruder. As she caught the man in the act of
robbing her home of its valuables, she yelled "Stop, Acts
2:38".
The
burglar quickly turned around and pointed his gun at her when she yelled
again "Stop, Acts 2:38*".
Well, this time the man stopped, dead in his tracks. The woman calmly
called the Police and explained what she had done. As the officer cuffed
the man to take him in, he asked him "Why did you just stand there?
All the old lady did was yell a Scripture at you."
"Scripture?" the burglar exclaimed, "I thought she said she had an ax
and 2 38's."
*Peter said to them, "Repent, and each of you be
baptized in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins;
and you will receive the gift of the Holy Spirit." Acts 2:38 NASB
Lot and the Flea
A father often read Bible stories to his young children. One day he read, "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt." His son asked, "What happened to the flea?"
Letter from God (Yes,
we know angels are genderless)
One day God was looking down to earth and
saw all the evil going on. He decided to send an angel down to
earth to check it out. So, he called on a female angel and sent her to
earth for a time.
When she returned she told God, yes, it was bad on earth - 95 percent of
people were bad and only 5 percent were good.
Well, God thought for a moment and said that maybe he had better send
down a male angel and so get both points of view. So God called a male
angel and sent him down to earth for a time.
When the male angel returned, he went to God and told him - yes, the
earth was in decline. Ninety-five percent were bad and 5 percent were
good.
God said that this was not good. He would send a letter to the 5 percent
of people that were good to encourage them and give them something to
help keep them going.
Do you know what the letter said?
Oh, so you didn't get one either?
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Moses and Jesus and Dad
Jesus and Moses are playing golf and they're on the tenth hole. Moses
hits the ball and it heads straight for a pond. Just before the ball
hits the water, the pond parts and the ball rolls up onto the green.
Jesus winds up and hits one about to the same spot. Jesus' ball hits the
water and skips across. All of a sudden, lightning flashes and a ball
drops from the sky. A fish swallows it and a bird picks up the fish and
drops the ball onto a turtle that walks over to the hole and drops it
in. Moses turns to Jesus and says, ''I hate it when your dad plays!''
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A man wonders if
having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is
work or play. He asks a priest for his opinion on this question. The
priest says after consulting the Bible, "My son, after an exhaustive
search I am positive sex is work and is not permitted on the Sabbath."
The man thinks: "What
does a priest know about sex?" He goes to a minister... a married
man, experienced… for the answer. He queries the minister and receives
the same reply. Sex is work and not for the Sabbath! Not pleased with
the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority -- a man of thousands
of year's tradition and knowledge: a rabbi.
The rabbi ponders the
question and states, "My son, sex is definitely play."
The man replies,
"rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is
work?"
The rabbi softly
speaks, "If sex were work...my wife would have the maid do it."
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Can he clean up after himself, too?
Morris gets a new dog and can't
wait to show him off to his neighbor. So when the neighbor comes over,
the guy calls the dog into the house, bragging about how smart he is.
The dog quickly comes running and stands looking up at his master, tail
wagging furiously, mouth open, tongue hanging out, eyes bright with
anticipation. Morris points to the newspaper on the couch and commands,
"FETCH!" Immediately, the dog climbs onto the couch and sits down. His
tail wagging stops and the doggie-smile disappears. Looking balefully up
at his master, he says in a whiny voice..."You think this is easy
wagging my tail all the time? Oy! It hurts from so much wagging! And you
think that designer dog food you're feeding me is good? You try it. It's
dreck! Too salty And what do you care? You just push me out the door to
take a squirt twice a day. I can't even remember the last time you took
me out for a good walk." The neighbor is amazed. "What the hell is that?
Your dog is sitting there talking!" "Oh, I know", explains the dog
owner. "He's young, and I'm still training him. He thought I said
KVETCH!"
Birds of a feather
Moishe, a lonely widower was
walking home along High Street one day wishing something wonderful would
happen into his life when he passed a pet store and heard a squawking
voice shouting out in Yiddish:"Quawwwwk...vus macht du...yeah, du...outside,
standing like a putzel...eh?" Moishe rubbed his eyes and ears. He
couldn't believe it. The proprietor sprang out of the door and grabbed
Moishe by the sleeve. "Come in here, fella, and check out this
parrot..." Moishe stood in front of an African Grey that cocked his
little head and said: "Vus? Kenst reddin Yiddish?" Moishe turned
excitedly to the store owner. "He speaks Yiddish?" "Vuh den? Chinese
maybe?" In a matter of moments, Moishe had placed five hundred dollars
down on the counter and carried the parrot in his cage away with him.
All night he talked with the parrot. In Yiddish. He told the parrot
about his father's adventures coming to America. About how beautiful his
mother was when she was a young bride. About his family. About his years
of working in the garment center. About Florida. The parrot listened and
commented. They shared some walnuts. The parrot told him of living in
the pet store, how he hated the weekends. They both went to sleep. Next
morning, Moishe began to put on his tefillin (box containing Scripture
with straps on the box tied onto the forehead and hand and used for
prayer), all the while, saying his prayers. The parrot demanded to know
what he was doing, and when Moishe explained, the parrot wanted some
too. Moishe went out and hand-made a miniature set of tefillin for the
parrot. The parrot wanted to learn to daven (pray with short bows or
rocking motion) and learned every prayer. He wanted to learn to read
Hebrew so Moishe spent weeks and months, sitting and teaching the
parrot, teaching him Torah. In time, Moishe came to love and count on
the parrot as a friend and a Jew. He had been saved. One morning, on
Rosh Hashanah, Moishe rose and got dressed and was about to leave when
the parrot demanded to go with him. Moishe explained that Shul
(synagogue) was not place for a bird but the parrot made a terrific
argument and was carried to Shul on Moishe's shoulder. Needless to say,
they made quite a spectacle, and Moishe was questioned by everyone,
including the Rabbi and Cantor. They refused to allow a bird into the
building on the High Holy Days but Moishe convinced them to let him in
this one time, swearing that parrot could daven. Wagers were made with
Moishe. Thousands of dollars were bet (even odds) that the parrot could
NOT daven, could not speak Yiddish or Hebrew, etc. All eyes were on the
African Grey during services. The parrot perched on Moishe's shoulder as
one prayer and song passed - Moishe heard not a peep from the bird. He
began to become annoyed, slapping at his shoulder and mumbling under his
breath, "Daven!" Nothing. "Daven...parrot, you can daven, so daven...come
on, everybody's looking at you!" Nothing. After Rosh Hashanah services
were concluded, Moishe found that he owed his Shul buddies and the Rabbi
over four thousand dollars. He marched home, extremely angry, saying
nothing. Finally several blocks from the shul the bird began to sing an
old Yiddish song and was happy as a lark. Moishe stopped and looked at
him. "You miserable bird, you cost me over four thousand dollars. Why?
After I made your tefillin and taught you the morning prayers and taught
you to read Hebrew and the Torah. And after you begged me to bring you
to Shul on Rosh Hashanah, why? Why did you do this to me?" "Don't be
silly," the parrot replied. "Think of the odds on Yom Kippur."
And you thought fetching was
amazing...
A man walks into shul
(synagogue) with a dog. The shammas runs up to him and says, "Pardon me,
this is a House of Worship! You can't bring your dog in here." "What do
you mean?" says the man, "This is a Jewish dog. Look!" And the shammas
looks carefully and sees that in the same way that a St. Bernard carries
a brandy barrel around its neck, this dog has a tallis bag (tallis is a
prayer shawl) around his neck. "Spot," says the man, "Daven!" "Woof!"
says the dog, stands up on his hind legs, opens the tallis bag, takes
out a kippah, and puts it on his head. "Woof!" says the dog again, opens
the tallis bag, takes out a tallis, and puts it around his neck. "Woof,
woof!" says the dog, takes out a siddur (prayer book) and starts to
daven (prayer with repetitive short bowing). "That's fantastic," says
the shammas, "absolutely amazing, incredible! You should take him to
Hollywood, get him on television, get him in the movies; you could make
a million dollars off of him!" "Oy!" says the man, "You talk to him. He
wants to be a doctor."
The Hebrew bear
A Jew is camping in the woods,
when she notices a bear 60 feet away. Just as she notices the bear, the
bear notices her. The Jew starts running; the bear follows. She runs as
fast as she can, but when she looks back next time, she sees the bear is
only 40 feet away. She pushes herself even harder, running and running.
The bear is still gaining--only 20 feet to go. She starts running even
harder, but the bear is still catching up with her! When she can't even
run anymore, she stops and says a silent prayer to God, "Please, God,
let that be a good Jewish bear!" From less than 10 feet away, she hears
the bear mumbling in Hebrew. She is just about to say a prayer of
thanksgiving to God when she catches the end of the bear's mumblings,
"...ha-motzi lechem min ha-aretz." (Blessing for bread before the
Sabbath meal).
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