Jokes and Humor

The Amish

Time Machine

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall.  They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, "What is this, Father?"  The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life.  I don't know what it is." While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a rather heavy, not too attractive, older lady walked up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady walked between them into a small room.  The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a beautiful young woman stepped out.

The father said quietly to his son, "Go get your Mother."

 

Atheism

The Groceries

Once there was a Christian lady who lived next door to an atheist.  Everyday, when the lady prayed, the atheist guy could hear her.  He thought to himself, "She sure is crazy, praying all the time like that.  Doesn't she know there isn't a God?" Many times while she was praying, he would go to her house and harass her, saying "Lady, why do you pray all the time? Don't you know there is no God?"  But she kept on praying.

One day, she ran out of groceries. As usual, she was praying to the Lord explaining her situation and thanking Him for what He was going to do.  As usual, the atheist heard her praying and thought to himself, "Humph. I'll fix her."  He went to the grocery store, bought a whole bunch of groceries, took them to her house, dropped them off on the front porch, rang the door bell and then hid in the bushes to see what she would do.

When she opened the door and saw the groceries, she began to praise the Lord with all her heart, jumping, singing and shouting.  The atheist then jumped out of the bushes and told her, "You ol' crazy lady!  God didn't buy you those groceries, I bought those groceries!" Suddenly the lady shouted and began running down the street, shouting and praising the Lord. The atheist chased after her, and when he finally caught her, he asked what her problem was. She said, "I knew the Lord would provide me with some groceries, but I didn't know He was gonna make the devil pay for them!"

Nessie's Picnic

An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat at least a hundred feet into the air. It then opened it's mouth waiting below to swallow them both. As the man sailed head over heels and started to fall towards the open jaws of the ferocious beast he cried out, "Oh, my God! Help me!"

Suddenly, the scene froze in place and as the atheist hung in midair a booming voice came out of the clouds and said, "I thought you didn't believe in Me!" "God, come on, give me a break!" the man pleaded, "Just seconds ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!" "Well," said God, "If you are a believer you must understand that I won't work miracles to snatch you from certain death in the jaws of the monster, but I can change hearts. What would you have me do?"

The atheist thinks for a minute then says, "God, please have the Loch Ness Monster believe in You also." God replies, "So be it."
The scene starts in motion again with the atheist falling towards the ravenous jaws of the monster. Just then Nessie folds his claws together and says, "Lord, bless this food You have so graciously provided"

 

College Theology

Is It the Brain, or the Teaching?

After a philosophy lecture a particularly difficult student stood up and declared, "Professor Greenberg, you have destroyed everything I believe in, but you have given me nothing to take its place."

"Young man," the professor responded, "you will recall that as one of the labors of Hercules, he was required to clean out the Augean stables. He was not, let me point out, required to refill them."

Brain Drain

A college student was in a philosophy class, which had a discussion about God's existence. The professor had the following logic:

"Has anyone in this class heard God?" Nobody spoke.
"Has anyone in this class touched God?" Again, nobody spoke.
"Has anyone in this class seen God?"
When nobody spoke for the third time, he simply stated,
"Then there is no God."

One student did not like the sound of this at all, and asked for permission to speak.  The professor granted it, and the student stood up and asked the following questions of his classmates:

"Has anyone in this class heard our professor's brain?" Silence.
"Has anyone in this class touched our professor's brain?" Absolute silence.
"Has anyone in this class seen our professor's brain?" When nobody in the class dared to speak, the student concluded,

"Then, according to our professor's logic, it must be true that our professor has no brain!"

Row Your Boat

Yeshiva University decided to field a crew team.  Unfortunately, they lost race after race.  They practiced for hours every day, but never managed to come in any better than dead last. The chief rabbi finally decided to send Yankel to spy on the Harvard team.  So Yankel schlepped off to Cambridge and hid in the bulrushes off the Charles River, from where he carefully watched the Harvard team as they practiced. Yankel finally returned to Yeshiva.  "I have figured out their secret," he announced.  "They have eight guys rowing and only one guy shouting."

Graduate Response

David, a Jewish Balloonist, is flying in his hot air balloon as he realizes he is lost. So David reduces his balloon height. He spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, "Excuse me, excuse me, can you tell me where I am?" The man below says, "Yes you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."

"You must work in Jewish Information Technology," David responds. "I do," replies the man.  My name is Solomon. I'm the head of that department. "How did you know?" "Well," says David, "Everything you said is technically correct, but it's of no use to anyone."

Then Solomon says, "you must work in Jewish Business Technology." "I do," replies David, I'm the head of Jewish Business technology. "but how did you know?" "Well," says Solomon, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help you. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."

 

Pets

This old gentleman's dear old dog passed away. He was so attached to that dog that he went to his Rabbi and asked if the Rabbi would say kadish for the dog. The Rabbi said, "No, we only say kadish for humans, not animals. However there is a new congregation two blocks down the street from here. You go there and ask if they will bless your dog. The man thanked the Rabbi and said, "Do you suppose they would also accept my donation of $75,000?" The Rabbi said, "Hold it -- come back. You didn't tell me the dog was Jewish."

Morris gets a new dog and can't wait to show him off to his neighbor. So when the neighbor comes over, the guy calls the dog into the house, bragging about how smart he is. The dog quickly comes running and stands looking up at his master, tail wagging furiously, mouth open, tongue hanging out, eyes bright with anticipation. Morris points to the newspaper on the couch and commands, "FETCH!" Immediately, the dog climbs onto the couch and sits down. His tail wagging stops and the doggie-smile disappears. Looking balefully up at his master, he says in a whiny voice..."You think this is easy wagging my tail all the time? Oy! It hurts from so much wagging! And you think that designer dog food you're feeding me is good? You try it. It's dreck! Too salty And what do you care? You just push me out the door to take a squirt twice a day. I can't even remember the last time you took me out for a good walk." The neighbor is amazed. "What the hell is that? Your dog is sitting there talking!" "Oh, I know", explains the dog owner. "He's young, and I'm still training him. He thought I said KVETCH!"

 

General Principles

Guide to Hebonics

The NYC School Board has officially declared Jewish English a second language. Backers of the move say the district is the first in the nation to recognize Hebonics as the language of many American Jews.  Look for other cities to follow suit, notably Miami Beach, Los Angeles and Scarsdale.  In Hebonics, questions are always answered with questions:
 
Question: "How do you feel?"
Hebonics response: "How should I feel?"
 
The subject is often placed at the end of a sentence after a pronoun has been used at the beginning: "She dances beautifully, that girl."
 
The sarcastic repetition of words by adding "sh" to the front is used for emphasis: mountains becomes "shmountains"; turtle becomes shmurtle." (mountains-shmountains / turtle-shmurtle)
 
These common phrases were translated from "Standard English" to Hebonics:
 
English: "Sorry, I don't know the time."
Hebonics: "What do I look like, a clock?"
 
English: "I hope things turn out okay."
Hebonics: "You should BE so lucky!"
 
English: "I see you're wearing one of the ties I gave you."
Hebonics: "What's the matter, the other tie you didn't like?
 
English: "That's a very pretty girl."
Hebonics: "She could stand to gain a few pounds."
 
English: "May I take your plate, sir?"
Hebonics: "You've hardly touched your food. What's the matter, something's wrong with it?"
 
English: "It's been so long since you've called."
Hebonics: "You didn't wonder if I'm dead yet?"

English: "It's a nice day."
Hebonics: "At least it's not raining."

English: "Happy birthday."
Hebonics: "You should only become a year smarter."

English: "I feel good."
Hebonics: "Things could be a lot worse."

English: "Happy New Year!"
Hebonics: "Another year, G-d willing!"

Logic To Live By

1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
2. A day without sunshine is like.......night.
3. On the other hand.......you have different fingers.
4. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
5. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
6. Remember half the people you know are below average.
7. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
8. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
9. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
10. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
12. I intend to live forever - so far so good.
13. Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back.
14. Quantum mechanics:  The dreams stuff is made of.
15. Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
16. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.
17. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
18. For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
19. Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
20. No one is listening until you make a mistake.
21. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
22. Two wrongs are only the beginning.
23. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
24. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
25. Change is inevitable.......except from vending machines.
26. Get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade!
27. Always try to be modest and be proud of it!
28. How many of you believe in telekinesis?  Raise my hand.
29. Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
30. If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you.
31. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
32. Monday is an awful way to spend one-seventh of your life.
33. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
34. Ever notice that those who drive slower than you are idiots, while those who drive faster are maniacs?
35. To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
36. The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
37. The hardness of the butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
38. The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
39. Success always occurs in private; failure in full view.
40. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
41. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
42. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy all of her friends?
43. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
44. Nothing is fool-proof to a talented fool.
45. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
46. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
47. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted - and then used against you.
48. I just got lost in thought - it was unfamiliar territory.
49.  wonder how much deeper the oceans would be without any sponges living in them?
50. Despite the high cost of living, it still remains very popular.
51. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes. Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow.
52. The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

More Humorous Logic

1. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
2. Some people are like Slinkys . . . not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
3. I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, "Well, that's not going to happen."
4. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
5. You read about all these terrorists--most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10 - 15 years.  Now, compare that to Blockbuster:  you're two days late with a video and those people are all over you.  Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration.
6. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to.
7. According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is their eyes, and women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars.
8. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
9. All of us could take a lesson from the weather.  It pays no attention to criticism.
10. Have you noticed that a slight tax increase costs you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?
11. In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird.  Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
12. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession.  I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
13. There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.  There is another theory which states that this has already happened.
14. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Cowboy Logic

1. Never kick a fresh cow chip on a hot day.
2. There's two theories to arguin' with a woman. Neither one works.
3. Don't worry about bitin' off more than you can chew. Your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.
4. If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
5. Never ask a man the size of his spread.
6. If you find yourself in a hole the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
7. Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco.
8. Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.
9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
10. Always drink upstream from the herd.
11. When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be surprised if they already learned that lesson.
12. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back.
13. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.

Observations and Obfuscations

1. Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things.
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
3. One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.
4. To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.
5. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
6. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
7. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
8. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
9. A fool and his money are soon partying.
10. Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?
11. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
12. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
13. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
14. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
15. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
16. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

25 Truths of Life

If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.
Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.
Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it!
No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
Thou shall not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.

Science Humor

Send In the Clones

One day, all the scientists in the world decide that, since they can clone people, cure the sick and have many advances in medicine, they no longer need GOD. So they appoint one of the head scientists to go to GOD, and tell him that he is no longer needed, and should retire.

The scientist goes to GOD and says, "GOD, as we have many new advances in medicine, with new advances all the time, and we can virtually cure all sicknesses and clone people, we all feel that you should retire."

GOD says, "Alright, I will do so. However, before I retire, I feel we should have a man-making contest, and we are going to create them just like I did in the days of Adam. The one with the best man wins, and the loser has to retire."

The scientist says "Sure."  He bends down and picks up a handful of dirt, and GOD says, "No, No, No. You have to get your own dirt."

How many religious people does it take to change a light bulb?

Charismatics: Only one. Hands already in the air.
Pentecostals: Ten. One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the darkness.
Presbyterians: None. Lights will go on and off at predestined times.
Roman Catholic: None. Candles only. 
Baptists: At least 15. One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad.
Episcopalians: Three. One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks and one to talk about how much better the old one was.
Mormons: Five. One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.
Unitarians: We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.
Methodists: Undetermined. Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Church wide lighting service is planned for Sunday. Bring bulb of your choice and a covered dish.
Nazarene: Six. One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy.
Lutherans: None. Lutherans don't believe in change.
Amish: What's a light bulb?

 

Sharing the Faith

There was a barber that thought that he should share his faith with his customers more than he had been doing lately. So the next morning when the sun came up and the barber got up out of bed he said, "Today I am going to witness to the first man that walks through my door."
Soon after he opened his shop the first man came in and said, "I want a shave!" The barber said, "Sure, just sit in the seat and I'll be with you in a moment." The barber went in the back and prayed a quick desperate prayer saying, "God, the first customer came in and I'm going to witness to him. So give me the wisdom to know just the right thing to say to him. Amen."
Then quickly the barber came out with his razor knife in one hand and a Bible in the other while saying "Good morning sir. I have a question for you..........Are you ready to die?"

The Meaning of Christmas

The teacher, Mrs. Jones, was very curious about how each of her students celebrated Christmas. She called on young Patrick Murphy.  "Tell me Patrick, what do you do at Christmas time?" she asked.  Patrick addressed the class, "Well Mrs. Jones, me and my twelve brothers and sisters go to the midnight Mass and we sing hymns, then we come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings. Then all excited we go to bed and wait for Father Christmas to come with all our toys."

"Very nice Patrick," she said. "Now, Jimmy Brown, what do you do at Christmas?" Mrs. Jones asked. "Well, Mrs. Jones, me and my sister also go to Church with Mum and Dad and we sing carols and we get home ever so late. We put cookies and milk by the chimney and we hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents, " Jimmy replied.

"That's also very nice Jimmy," she said. Realizing that there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to leave him out of the discussion she asked Isaac Cohen the same question. "Now, Isaac Cohen, what do you do at Christmas?" she asked.

Isaac said, "Well, we also sing carols!" Isaac responded. Surprised, Mrs. Jones questioned further. "Tell us what you sing," Mrs. Jones requested.

"Well, it's the same thing every year. Dad comes home from the office.  We all pile into the Rolls Royce, then we drive to his toy factory. When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves and begin to sing, 'What a friend we have in Jesus.' Then we all go to the Bahamas."

Language Barrier

A new missionary recruit went to Venezuela for the first time. He was struggling with the language and didn't understand a whole lot of what was going on. Intending to visit one of the local churches, he got lost, but eventually got back on track and found the place. Having arrived late, the church was already packed. The only pew left was the one on the front row. So as not to make a fool of himself, he decided to pick someone out of the crowd to imitate. He chose to follow the man sitting next to him on the front pew. As they sang, the man clapped his hands, so the missionary recruit clapped too.

When the man stood up to pray, the missionary recruit stood up too. When the man sat down, he sat down. When the man held the cup and bread for the Lord's Supper, he held the cup and bread. During the preaching, the recruit didn't understand a thing. He just sat there and tried to look just like that man in the front pew. Then he perceived that the preacher was giving announcements. People clapped, so he looked to see if the man was clapping. He was, and so the recruit clapped too.

Then the preacher said some words that he didn't understand and he saw the man next to him stand up. So he stood up too. Suddenly a hush fell over the entire congregation. A few people gasped. He looked around and saw that nobody else was standing. So he sat down. After the service ended, the preacher stood at the door shaking the hands of those who were leaving. When the missionary recruit stretched out his hand to greet the preacher, the preacher said, in English: "I take it you don't speak Spanish."

The missionary recruit replied: "No I don't. It's that obvious?"
"Well yes," said the preacher, "I announced that the Acosta family had a newborn baby boy and would the proud father please stand up."

How to Stop a Burglar with Scripture

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening service when she was startled by an intruder. As she caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables, she yelled "Stop, Acts 2:38". The burglar quickly turned around and pointed his gun at her when she yelled again "Stop, Acts 2:38*". Well, this time the man stopped, dead in his tracks. The woman calmly called the Police and explained what she had done. As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked him "Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a Scripture at you." "Scripture?" the burglar exclaimed, "I thought she said she had an ax and 2 38's."

*Peter said to them, "Repent, and each of you be baptized in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins; and you will receive the gift of the Holy Spirit."  Acts 2:38 NASB

 

Jewish Fathers

A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has been given a part in the school play. "Wonderful," says the mother, "What part is it?"  The boy says "I play the part of the Jewish husband!"  The mother scowls and says: "Go back and tell your teacher you want a speaking part!!"

Q. Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife?
A. Under the Vacuum cleaner.
Q. Why do Jewish divorces cost so much?
A. They're worth it.
Q. Why do Jewish men die before their wives?
A. They want to.
Q. Why don't Jews drink?
A. It interferes with their suffering.
Q. Why is it so important for the groom at a Jewish wedding to stomp on a wine glass?
A. Because it's the last time he'll put his foot down.

I, Too Had a Son I Sent To Israel...

A Jewish father was concerned about his son who was about a year away from his Bar Mitzvah but was sorely lacking in his knowledge of the Jewish faith. To remedy this, he sent his son to Israel to experience his heritage. A year later the young man returned home. "Father, thank you for sending me to the land of our Fathers," the son said. "It was wonderful and enlightening. However, I must confess that while in Israel I converted to Christianity."

"Oy vey," replied the father, "what have I done." So in the tradition of the patriarchs, he went to his best friend and sought his advice and solace.
"It is amazing that you should come to me," stated his friend. "I too sent my son to Israel and he returned a Christian..." So in the tradition of the patriarchs, they went to their Rabbi. "It is amazing that you should come to me," stated the Rabbi. "I too sent my son to Israel and also he returned a Christian. What is happening to our sons?  Brothers," said the Rabbi, "we must take this to the Lord."

They fell to their knees and began to wail and pour out their hearts to the Almighty. As they prayed, the clouds above opened and a Mighty Voice stated, "Amazing that you should come to Me ... I too sent My Son to Israel ..."

You Could Maybe Help

A Yid locked himself out of his car on a hot summer day. He looked through the garbage and found a wire hanger. He went back to his car to try to open the lock. He shoved the wire through the slightly open window with his wife telling him, "Yitzchok, move it more to the right...more to the left...Higher! Lower!" Finally his wife said, "What's taking you so long?"
 
To which Yitzchok replied, "It's easy for you to say, sitting inside an air conditioned car!"

The Power of the Internet

A New York Yid left the snowy city for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip in Atlanta and was planning to join him in Florida the next day. When Jacob reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.
 
Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly wife of a rabbi whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor dead. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:
 
Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Your Loving Husband
 
P.S.: Sure is hot down here.

God Will Provide

A young woman brings home her fiancé to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. The father invites the fiancé to his study for a drink.  "So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man.
 
"I am a Torah scholar," he replies. "A Torah scholar. Hmmm," the father says. ".......Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?" "I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us." "And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father. "I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies. "God will provide for us." "And children?" asks the father. "How will you support the children?" "Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiancé.
 
The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide. Later that evening the mother asks, "How did it go, Honey?" The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm God."

For Want of A Watch...

An old Jewish man and a young Jewish man are traveling on the train. The young man asks: "Excuse me, what time is it?" The old man does not answer. "Excuse me, sir, what time is it?" The old man keeps silent. "Sir, I'm asking you what time is it. Why don't you answer?!" The old man says: "Son, the next stop is the last on this route. I don't know you, so you must be a stranger. If I answer you now, I'll have to invite you to my home. You're handsome, and I have a beautiful daughter. You will both fall in love and you will want to get married. Tell me, why would I need a son-in-law who can't even afford a watch?"

Oy, You Should Have More Problems Like This

A Jewish businessman warned his son against marrying a "shiksa." The son replied, "But she's converting to Judaism." "It doesn't matter," the old man said. "A shiksa will cause problems." After the wedding, the father called the son, who was in business with him, and asked him why he was not at work. "It's Shabbos," the son replied. The father was surprised: "But we always work on Saturday. It's our busiest day." "I won't work anymore on Saturday," the son insisted, "because my wife wants us to go to shul on Shabbos." "See," the father says. "I told you marrying a shiksa would cause problems."

 

Jewish Moms

What's the difference between a Jewish Mother-In-Law and a Rottweiler? Eventually the Rottweiler lets go.
 
Q: What did the waiter ask the group of dining Jewish mothers?
A: "Is ANYTHING all right?"
Q: "How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a burned-out electric light bulb?"
A: None: "It's okay, I'll just sit here in the dark..."

A Jewish mother bought her son two pairs of socks for his birthday and, wishing to please her, he went upstairs to put a pair on. When he returned, his mother immediately said, ''You don't like the other pair?'"

My mother once gave me two sweaters for Chanukah. The next time we visited, I made sure to wear one. As we entered her home, instead of the expected smile, she said, "What's the matter? You didn't like the other one?"

Definition of a genius - an average student with a Jewish mother.

The Thoughtful Husband

Sometime after Sidney died, his widow, Tillie, was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful and wonderful man her late husband had been.  "Sidney thought of everything", she told her friends. "Just before he died, Sidney called me to his bedside. He handed me three envelopes." Tillie," he told me, "I have put all my last wishes in these three envelopes. After I am dead, please open them and do exactly as I have instructed. Then I can rest in peace." "What was in the envelopes?" Tillie's friends asked. "The first envelope contained $5,000 with a note, 'Please use this money to buy a nice casket'. So I bought a beautiful mahogany casket with such a comfortable lining that I know Sidney is resting very comfortably." "The second envelope contained $10,000 with a note, 'Please use this for a nice funeral'. I made Sidney a very dignified funeral and bought all his favorite foods for when we began shiva." "And the third envelope?" asked her friends. "The third envelope contained $25,000 with a note, 'Please use this to buy a nice stone'. At that point, Tillie held up her hand and pointed to her ring finger, on which was a ten carat diamond ring. "So," said Tillie, "You like my stone?"

Can't Win For Losing

Two Jewish women were sitting under hair dryers at the hairdresser. The first lady says, "So nu, how's your family?" The second one responds, "Oh just fine. My daughter is married to the most wonderful man. She never has to cook, he always takes her out. She never has to clean, he got her a housekeeper. She never has to work, he's got such a good job. She never has to worry about the children, he got her a nanny." She continues with a question to the first lady, "So how is your son these days?" The first woman says, "Just awful. He is married to such a witch of a woman. She makes him take her out to dinner every night, she never cooks a dish. She made him get her a housekeeper, God forbid she should vacuum a carpet! He has to work like a dog because she won't get a job and she never takes care of their children, because she made him get her a nanny!"

Driving Miss Bubbe

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH.  He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!"  So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five elderly ladies, eyes wide and white as ghosts.  Bubbe, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?" "Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers." "Slower than the speed limit?" she asked. "No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... twenty-two miles an hour!"  Bubbe says proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, she grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. The officer said, "But before I let you go, ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car OK?  These women seem awfully shaken, and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks. Bubbe replied, "Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."

Adopt-A-Mom

Rebecca sprang to the telephone when it rang and listened with relief to the kindly voice.  "Darling, How are you? This is Momma."
 
"Oh Momma," she said "I'm having a bad day."  Breaking into bitter tears, she continued, "The baby won't eat and the washing machine broke down. I haven't had a chance to go shopping, and besides, I've just sprained my ankle and I have to hobble around. On top of that, the house is a mess and I'm supposed to have the Goldbergs and Rosens for dinner tonight."
 
The voice on the other end said in sympathy, "Darling, let Momma handle it" She continued, "Sit down, relax, and close your eyes.  I'll be over in half an hour.  I'll do your shopping, clean up the house, and cook your dinner for you.  I'll feed the baby and I'll call a repairman I know who'll be at your house to fix the washing machine promptly.  Now stop crying.  I'll do everything.  In fact, I'll even call your husband Morty at the office and tell him he ought to come home and help out for once."
"Morty?" said Rebecca. "Who's Morty?"
The voice says, "Why, Morty's your husband! Um....is this 223-1374?"
"No, this is 223-1375," said Rebecca.
"Oh, I'm sorry. I guess I have the wrong number" says the voice.
There was a short pause, then Rebecca said, "Does this mean you're not coming over?"

The Wisdom of the Sages

A Jewish town had a shortage of men for wedding purposes, so they had to import men from other towns. One day a groom-to-be arrived on a train, and two mother-in-laws-to-be were waiting for him, each claiming ownership on him. A rabbi was called to solve the problem. After a few minutes of thought, he said: "If this is the situation, you both want the groom, we'll cut him in half and give each one of you half of him."
To this replied one woman: "If that's the case, give him to the other woman."
The rabbi said: "Do that.  The one willing to cut him in half is the real mother-in-law!"

Dear Darling Son and That Person You Married,

Happy Hanukah to you, and please don't worry. I'm just fine considering I can't breathe or eat. The important thing is that you have a nice holiday, thousands of miles away from your ailing mother. I've sent along my last ten dollars in this card, which I hope you'll spend on my grandchildren.
G-d knows their mother never buys them anything nice. They look so thin in their pictures, poor babies. Well son, it's time for me to crawl off to bed now. I lost my cane beating off muggers last week, but don't you worry about me. I'm also getting used to the cold since they turned my heat off and am grateful because the frost on my bed numbs the constant pain. Now don't you even think about sending any more money, because I know you need it for those expensive family vacations you take every year. Give my love to my darling grandbabies and my regards to whatever-her-name-is -- the one with the black roots who stole you screaming from my bosom.

Happy Hanukah,
Love, Mom

Chutzpah

A little old lady gets onto a crowded bus and stands in front of a seated young girl. Holding her hand to her chest, she says to the girl, "If you knew what I have, you would give me your seat." The girl gets up and gives up her the seat to the old lady. It is hot. The girl then takes out a fan and starts fanning herself. The woman looks up and says, "If you knew what I have, you would give me that fan." The girl gives her the fan, too. Fifteen minutes later the woman gets up and says to the bus driver, "Stop, I want to get off here." The bus driver tells her he has to drop her at the next corner, not in the middle of the block. With her hand across her chest, she tells the driver, "If you knew what I have, you would let me off the bus right here." The bus driver pulls over and opens the door to let her out. As she's walking out of the bus, he asks, "Madam, what is it you have? " The old woman looks at him and nonchalantly replies, "Chutzpah."

Last Wish

The dutiful Jewish son is sitting at his father's bedside. His father is near death.
    Father: "Son."
    Son: "Yes Dad."
    Father: (weakly) "Son. That smell. Is Mama making my favorite apple strudel?"
    Son: "Yes Dad."
    Father: (even weaker) "Ah, if I could just have one more piece of Mama's apple strudel. Would you get me a piece?"
    Son: "OK, Dad." (Son leaves and walks toward kitchen. After a while the son returns and sits down next to his father again.)
    Father: "Is that you son?"
    Son: "Yes Dad."
    Father: "Did you bring the apple strudel?"
    Son: "No Dad."
    Father: "Why? It's my dying wish!"
    Son: "Well Dad. Mom says the strudel is for after the funeral!"

A Word is Worth a Thousand Pictures

Four Jewish ladies, at a resort in the Catskills, were in rockers on the veranda and admiring the scenery. After a while the first woman sighed, "Oy!" The others sighed sympathetically. Then the second woman sighed, "Oy Vey!" The others nodded. A third woman said, "Oy, Gottenyu!" The others nodded as if in agreement. Finally, the fourth woman said, "Enough talk about the children. Let's go for a walk!"

You Didn't Ask...

An elderly Jewish lady took her young grandson to the beach. She sat in a beach chair beneath an umbrella and tended her knitting while her grandson, wearing a sunhat, played with a small pail and shovel at the water's edge nearby. All about were other beachgoers, frolicking in the water, sunbathing, or otherwise enjoying the day. Completely without warning, a tsunami crashed ashore, destroying everything in its path! As the waters retreated to the ocean, all about was chaos and destruction and the fading sounds of the pitiful souls that had been swept out to sea. Nothing remained ... nothing, that is, except for the elderly lady, still sitting on her beach chair beneath her umbrella, with her unfinished knitting on her lap, somehow miraculously unscathed. She looked about, then she looked to where her young grandson had been only moments before. She looked to the heavens, tears streaming from her eyes, and called out to G-d: "Why lord, why? Why did you take my beautiful grandson who had his whole life before him, yet leave me, a pitiful old woman at the end of her life? Oh lord, would that you had taken me instead of my grandson!" Moments later, seemingly in response to her petition to the heavens, a second tsunami crashed ashore. For a brief few minutes, once again all was chaos as the wave pummeled the shoreline. Then, as its waters retreated back to the ocean, once again the elderly lady found herself sitting as before, but this time at her feet was her grandson, still with a small pail and shovel, playing as though nothing had happened. The elderly lady looked up to the heavens and exclaimed, "He had a hat!"

 

Medical Miracles

The Cure

Mrs. Greenberg had this embarrassing problem.  She farted all the time, so she decided to visit her doctor.  At her appointment she said, "I fart all the time, Doctor Johnson, but they're soundless, and they have no odor. In fact, since I've been here, I've farted no less than twenty times. What can I do?" "Here's a prescription, Mrs. Greenberg. Take these pills three times a day for seven days and come back and see me in a week."

The next week, an upset Mrs. Greenberg marched into Dr. Johnson's office: "Doctor, I don't know what was in those pills, but the problem is worse! I'm farting just as much, and they're still soundless, but now they smell terrible! What do you have to say for yourself?"
 
"Calm down, Mrs. Greenberg," said the doctor soothingly. "Now that we've fixed your sinuses, we'll work on your hearing."

Maybe I Should Stay Broke!

Mr. Rabinowicz goes to the doctor for a check up. After extensive tests the doctor tells him "I'm afraid I have some bad news for you. You only have six months to live." Mr. Rabinowicz is dumbstruck. After a while he replies "That's terrible doctor. But I must admit to you that I can't afford to pay your bill." "Ok" says the doctor, "I'll give you a year to live."

The Best Eulogy

Three buddies, David, Solomon and Jacob die in a car crash, God forbid. But they were good Jews so they go to Heaven and are ushered into Heaven's orientation.  They are each asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?" David says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man." Solomon says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."
 
Jacob replies, "I would like to hear them say... LOOK, LOOK! HE'S MOVING!!!"

 

Money Matters

Q. What's the difference between people who pray in synagogue (church, assembly, etc.) and those who pray in casinos?

A. The ones in the casinos are really serious!

Parking Problems

A Chassidic Jew walks into a bank in Manhattan and asks for the loan officer. He explains that he is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $2,000.  The bank officer says, "We will need some kind of security for such a loan." The Chassid hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce parked in front of the bank. The Bank does a registration check with NYDIV.  Everything checks out. The bank officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
 
While the Chassid is away the Bank realizes their client is a multimillionaire. So several weeks later when the Chassid returns, repays the $2,000 and the interest which comes to $5.41, the loan officer questions, "Why would you bother to borrow $2,000? You are very wealthy."
 
The Chassid replies, "Parking. Where can you park in midtown Manhattan for two weeks for only five dollars plus change?"

Have I Got a Deal...

God goes to Italy and asks the citizenry, "Would you like to receive my Commandments?"  The Italians respond, "Give us a sample of what they contain."  When God says, "Thou shall not kill," they say, "Sorry - can't handle that, so we'll pass."
 
God goes to Spain and asks, "Would you like to receive my Commandments?"  The Spaniards respond, "Give us a sample of what they contain."  When God says, "Thou shall not steal," they say, "Sorry - can't handle that, so we'll pass."
 
God goes to France and asks, "Would you like to receive my Commandments?"  The French respond, "Give us a sample of what they contain."  When God says, "Thou shall not commit adultery," they say, "Sorry - can't handle that, so we'll pass."
 
God goes to to the Jews and asks, "Would you like to receive my Commandments?"  The Jews respond, "How much do they cost?"  When God answers, "They're free of charge," the Jews say, "Fine, we'll take ten."

Marketing 101 (Do Not Read If You are Easily Offended)

Mr. Goldstein runs a factory which produces nails. He is getting on in years, and decides that he wants to take his wife to Israel for a trip. So he speaks to his son Moishe, "I want to take your mother for a trip to Israel for a few months--will you look after the factory for me?"  "Not a problem," says Moishe.
 
Off go Goldstein and his wife, and they have the most wonderful trip to Israel. On their return, Goldstein is very anxious to find out how things went at the business, so he phones Moishe and they make arrangements to meet at the factory.  "Well," says the father, "how did the business go while I was away?"
 
Moishe goes to the drawer and brings out the books. "No problems," says Moishe, and he opens up the books for his father. And guess what--Moishe had tripled the sales.  Mr. Goldstein is absolutely overjoyed and asks his son, "How did you achieve this result?"
 
Moishe answers that it was just too easy. He goes to another drawer and brings out a poster of Jesus on the cross, and underneath is written in big letters, WE USED GOLDSTEIN'S NAILS.
 
Well, the father is horrified-- "How could you do this to me?! You know that I am president of the local U.J.A., I sit on the board of the Keren Kayemeth--your Mother is president of her Hadassah Group--I want you should never embarrass me like this again!"  Moishe apologizes and promises that it won't happen again.
 
A year later, Goldstein has the urge again to visit Israel. So, he again asks Moishe to look after the factory while he and Mrs. Goldstein make the trip. "Not a problem," says Moishe. Well, off they go, and they have a very enjoyable time, covering the country from north to south, east to west, and when eventually they return home, Mr. Goldstein again phones Moishe to meet him in the factory and go over the figures. They meet at the appointed time, and Moishe again brings out the books to show his dad the figures. Guess what--again he has tripled the figures. Well, Mr. Goldstein is absolutely delighted, and just a little bewildered.
 
"Moishe, the last time you tripled the figures, but this time you tripled THOSE figures. Tell me, how did you achieve such a result?"
 
"Easy," replies Moishe. He goes to a drawer, and brings out a poster of Jesus lying on the ground.  And below, in big lettering is printed, WE DID NOT USE GOLDSTEIN'S NAILS.

A Truly Great Rabbi

Three Chassidim are each talking about who has the greatest Rabbi:
The first one says:  "Our Rabbi is so great, we were walking home from synagogue on Sabbath and it was very hot.  We said, "Rabbi, it is so hot what can we do?" The Rabbi stopped and he prayed, and in front of the Rabbi and behind the Rabbi there was heat.  To the right of the Rabbi and to the left of the Rabbi there was heat. And in the area around the Rabbi it became cool and fresh and they all walked home.
 
The second one says: "That's nothing! We were walking home from synagogue one Sabbath and it started to rain really hard.  We said, "Rabbi, we're going to get sick what should we do?"  The Rabbi stopped and he prayed, and in front of the Rabbi and behind the Rabbi there was rain.  To the right of the Rabbi and to the left of the Rabbi there was rain.  But in the area around the Rabbi, there was no rain, and they all walked home.
 
The third said, "Is that all?? We were walking home from synagogue on Sabbath, and we spotted a large bag filled with gold coins that was lying in the street.  We said, "Rabbi, so much money, we could do so much work for the Chassidim, what should we do??" And the Rabbi stopped and he prayed, and in front of the Rabbi and behind the Rabbi there was Sabbath.....

There's Business, and then There's Business

An aging American school teacher, who was also a born again Christian, sorely missed the good old days of teaching when she could preach from the Bible and lead in school prayers. She was alarmed at how little her students knew about religion & decided since it was her last year of teaching, she was going to disregard the new strictures & teach religion anyway. So, she announced to her class that she would have a contest each day.

On the first day she told the students she would give $25 to the student who could first tell her who was the greatest man who ever lived.  Immediately Moishe began to wave his hand, but she ignored the kosher student in favor of those in her Sunday school class. As she went around the room, she was disappointed at the answers. Kathy, her best Bible scholar had picked Noah because he saved all the animals.

Finally she picked on her rowdiest student in exasperation. "I think the greatest man who ever lived was Alexander the Great because he conquered the whole world!" "I think it was Thomas Edison, because he invented the light bulb," shone the brightest student. Finally, in resignation, she called on Moishe who was still wildly waving his hand.

"I think the greatest man who ever lived was Jesus, our Savior," offered Moishe. The teacher was shocked & doled out the $25 reward to Moishe as she said, "Well, Moishe I'm very surprised that you should be the one with the right answer!"

"Well, personally," Moishe replied as he pocketed the money, "I think it was Moses, but business is business."

He Really Knows How to Pinch

A Israeli buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Austin to claim it where the man verifies his ticket number.  The Israeli says "I want my $20 million."

To which the man replied, "No, sir. It doesn't work that way. We give you a million today, and then you'll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years."

The Israeli said, "Oh, no. I want all my money RIGHT now! I won it, and I want it."

Again the man patiently explains that he would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years.

The Israeli, furious with the man, screams out, "Look, I WANT MY MONEY!! If you're not going to give me my $20 million "right now," THEN I WANT MY DOLLAR BACK!!

 

Old Age

Perks for People Over 40

Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
No one expects you to run into a burning building.
People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
Things you buy now won't wear out.
You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.
You can live without sex but not without glasses.
You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations.
You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
You sing along with elevator music.
Your eyes won't get much worse.
Your health plan is beginning to pay off.
Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
You can't remember who sent you this list.

Games for When You are Older

Sag, You're it.
Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.
20 questions shouted into your good ear.
Kick the bucket.
Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
Doc Goose.
Simon says something incoherent.
Hide and go pee.
Spin the Bottle of Mylanta.

Signs Of Menopause

You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
Your husband jokes that instead of buying a wood stove, he is using you to heat the family room this winter.  Rather than just saying you are not amused, you shoot him.
You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.
The Phenobarbital dose that wiped out the Heaven's Gate cult gives you four hours of decent rest.
You change your underwear after every sneeze.
You're on so much estrogen that you take your Brownie troop on a field trip to Chippendale's.

Signs We Are Old Is When...

...Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Pick one, I can't do both!"
...Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes, and you're barefoot.
...A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.
...Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
...You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
...You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
..."Getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today.
..."Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.
...An "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee.

 

Out of the Mouth of Babes

The following statements about the Bible were written by children and have not been retouched or corrected (i.e. bad spelling has been left in):

'In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.'
'Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.'
'Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.'
'Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.'
'Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.'
'The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.'
'Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.'
'Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.'
'Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.'
'The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the 10 amendments.'
'The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.'
'The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.'
'Moses died before he ever reached Canada.'
'Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.'
'The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.'
'David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.'
'Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.'
'When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.'
'When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.'
‘Jesus was born because Man had an immaculate contraption.'
'St John, the blacksmith, dumped water on his head.'
‘Jesus said the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you.'
'He also explained, "A man doth not live by sweat alone."'
'It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.'
'The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.'
'The epistles were the wives of the apostles.'
'One of the opossums was St Matthew who was also a taxi man.'
'St Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.'
'A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called monotony.'
Bless their little hearts!

Prayers

A three year old: "Our Father, Who does art in heaven, Harold is His name." "Amen"

A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it.  I'm having a real good time like I am."

A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments, and they were ready to discuss the last one.  The teacher asked if anybody could tell her what it was.  Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbor's wife."

After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.  His father asked him three
times what was wrong.  Finally, the boy replied, "That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I want to stay with you guys."

I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin, the Lord's Prayer for several evenings at bedtime, she would repeat after me the lines from the prayer. Finally, she decided to go solo. I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer, "Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us some E-mail.  Amen."

And one particular four-year-old prayed, "And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."

A Sunday school teacher asked her children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."

Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud. Finally,
his big sister had had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church." "Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked. Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.' " Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"

A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore, where a seagull lay dead in the sand.  "Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked. "He died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied. The boy thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?"

A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"  "I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say," a guest answered.  The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

Brilliant Observations

I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"

My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago."

On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."

A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar.  During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone.  "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"

While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?" "Yes," I answered and continued writing the report. "My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police.  Is that right?" "Yes, that's right," I told her. "Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?"

It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"

A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit."  "And why not, darling?"  "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning."

While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaaather, and unto the Sonnn ..... and into the hole he gooooes."

A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"

A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found," the boy called out." What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"

 

Make You Think

Funny, Isn't It?

Funny how a $100.00 looks so big when you take it to church, but so small when you take it to the mall.

Funny how long it takes to serve God for an hour, but how quickly a team plays 60 minutes of basketball.

Funny how long a couple of hours spent at church are, but how short they are when watching a movie.

Funny how we can't think of anything to say when we pray, but don't have difficulty thinking of things to talk about to a friend.

Funny how we get thrilled when a baseball game goes into extra innings, but we complain when a sermon is longer than the regular time.

Funny how hard it is to read a chapter in the Bible, but how easy it is to read 100 pages of a best selling novel.

Funny how people want to get a front seat at any game or concert, but scramble to get a back seat at church services.

Funny how we need 2 or 3 weeks advance notice to fit a church event into our schedule, but can adjust our schedule at the last moment for other events.

Funny how hard it is for people to learn a simple gospel well enough to tell others, but how simple it is for the same people to understand and repeat gossip.

Funny how we believe what the newspaper says, but question what the Bible says.

Funny how everyone wants to go to heaven provided they do not have to believe, or think, or say, or do anything.

Funny how you can send a thousand "jokes" through e-mail and they spread like wildfire, but when you start sending messages regarding the Lord, people think twice about sharing.

FUNNY, ISN'T IT?

Hypocrites

The 2000 member church was filled to overflowing capacity one Sunday morning. The preacher was ready to start the sermon when two men, dressed in long black coats and black hats entered thru the rear of the church. One of the two men walked to the middle of the church while the other stayed at the back of the church. Then they both reached under their coats and withdrew automatic weapons. The one in the middle announced, "EVERYONE WILLING TO TAKE A BULLET FOR JESUS STAY IN YOUR SEAT!"

Naturally, the pews emptied, followed by the choir. The deacons ran out the door, followed by the choir director and the assistant pastor.

After a few moments, there were about 20 people left sitting in the church. The preacher was holding steady in the pulpit.

The men put their weapons away and said, gently, to the preacher, "All right, pastor, the hypocrites are gone now. You may begin the service."

What God Looks Like

A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's artwork. As she came to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing the girl replied,. . . . "They will in a minute."

Even If You Could Take It With You...

There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him. An angel hears his plea and appears to him. "Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you." The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules. The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him.

The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed. Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter.

St. Peter seeing the suitcase says, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!" But the man explains to St. Peter that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough, St. Peter checks and comes back saying, "You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through."

St. Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, "You brought pavement?!!!"

So That's Why We're Not Supposed to Gossip

Sarah, the church gossip and self-appointed arbiter of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members were unappreciative of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence. She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his pickup truck parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.

She commented to George and others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing. George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny, he said nothing.

Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Sarah's house..........and left it there all night.

Lost and Found

A poor Jew finds a wallet with seven hundred dollars. At his shul (synagogue or Sabbath service) he reads a notice stating that a wealthy Jew has lost his wallet and is offering a fifty dollar reward to anyone who returns it. Quickly he locates the owner giving him the wallet. The rich man counts the money and says, "I see you have already taken your reward." The poor man responds, "What are you talking about?" The wealthy Jew continues, "This wallet had seven hundred and fifty dollars in it when I lost it." The two men begin arguing, and eventually they come before the community rabbi.
 
Both men present their case. The poor man first, then the wealthy man who concludes by saying, "Rabbi, I trust you believe me." The rabbi says, "Of course." The rich man smiles, and the poor man is devastated. Then the rabbi take the wallet out of the wealthy man's hands and gives it to the poor man who found it. "What are you doing?!" the rich man yells angrily.
 
The rabbi responds, "You are, of course, an honest man, and if you say that you're missing wallet had seven hundred and fifty dollars in it, I'm sure it did. But if the man who found this wallet is a liar and a thief, he wouldn't have returned it at all. Which means that this wallet must belong to somebody else. If that man steps forward, he'll get the money. Otherwise, it stays with the man who found it." "What about my money?" the rich man asks. "Well," the rabbi says, "We'll just have to wait until somebody finds a wallet with seven hundred fifty dollars in it!"

 

Pokes at Christians

A man was taken to court for stealing an item from a store. The man said to the judge, "Your Honor, I'm a Christian. I've become a new man. I am "Born Again!" However, I still have my old nature. It was not my new nature that did wrong. It was my old nature."
 
The judge responded, "Since it was the old nature that broke the law, we'll sentence him to 60 days in jail. And since the new nature was an accomplice in the theft, we'll give him 30 days, too. I therefore sentence you both to 90 days in jail."
*From the Jewish Path Rest Stop site.

 

Pope Humor

Direct Line To God

The Chief Rabbi of Israel and the Pope are in a meeting in Rome. The rabbi notices an unusually fancy phone on a side table in the Pope's private chambers. "What is that phone for?" he asks.  "It's my direct line to the Lord" said the pontiff.  But the Pope can tell the rabbi is skeptical, so he insists the Rabbi try it out.  The rabbi picks up the phone, and indeed he is immediately connected to the Lord. The Rabbi holds a lengthy discussion with Him.

After hanging up the Rabbi says, "Thank you very much. That was great!  But listen, I want to pay for my phone charges."  The Pope, of course, refuses, but the Rabbi is steadfast and finally the pontiff gives in.  He checks the counter on the phone and says, "All right! The charges were 100,000 Lira" ($56.00). The Chief Rabbi gladly hands over the payment.

A few months later, the Pope is in Jerusalem on an official visit. In the Chief Rabbi's chambers, he sees a phone identical to his and learns it is also a direct line to the Lord. The Pope remembers he has an urgent matter that requires divine consultation and asks if he can use the Rabbi's phone. The Rabbi gladly agrees, hands him the phone, and the Pope chats away.

After hanging up, the Pope offers to pay for the phone charges. Of course, the Chief Rabbi refuses to accept payment. After the Pope insists, the Rabbi relents and looks at the phone counter.  ".50 shekels," ($0.42) he says. The Pope looks surprised and asks, "Why so cheap?"  The Rabbi smiles and says, "It's a local call."

Moishe and the Pope

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to leave Italy. There was, of course, a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He would have a religious debate with a leader of the Jewish community. If the Jewish leader won the debate, the Jews would be permitted to stay in Italy. If the Pope won, the Jews would have to leave.

The Jews realized they had no choice.  They looked around for a champion to defend their faith, but no one wanted to volunteer.  It was too risky.  They finally picked an aged janitor who worked the night shift, Moishe, to represent them in the debate. Moishe, however, had not talked much in years, so he asked for only one condition to the debate. Not being used to saying very much as he cleaned up around the settlement, he asked that neither side be allowed to talk. The Pope agreed.

On the day of the great debate, the Pope and Moishe sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.  Moishe looked back and raised one finger.

Next, the Pope waved his hand around his head.  Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat.

The Pope then brought out a communion wafer and chalice of wine.  Moishe pulled out an apple.

With that, the Pope stood up and said, "I concede the debate. This man has bested me. The Jews can stay."

Later, the Cardinals gathered around the Pope, asking him what had happened.

The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my hand around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us of our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"

Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe, amazed that this old, almost feeble-minded man had done what all their scholars had insisted was impossible!  "Well," said Moishe, "First he said to me, 'You Jews have three days to clear out of Italy.' So I said to him, 'Not one of us is leaving.'  Then he tells me, 'The whole city must be cleared of Jews.' So I said to him, 'We’re staying right here!'"

"And then?" asked a woman.

"I don’t know," said Moishe. "He took out his lunch, so I took out mine."

More Important Than The Pope

The Pope goes to New York. He is picked up at the airport by a limousine. He looks at the beautiful car and says to the driver, ''You know, I hardly ever get to drive. Would you please let me?''  The driver is understandably hesitant and says, ''I'm sorry, but I don't think I'm supposed to do that.''  But the pope persists, ''Please?'' The driver finally lets up. ''Oh, all right, I can't really say no to the pope.'' So the pope takes the wheel, and boy, is he a speed demon! He hits the gas and goes around 100 mph in a 45 zone. A policeman notices and pulls him over. The cop walks up and asks the pope to roll down the window. Startled and surprised, the young officer asks the pope to wait a minute. He goes back to his patrol car and radios the chief.

Cop: ''Chief, I have a problem.''
Chief: ''What sort of problem?''
Cop: ''Well, you see, I pulled over this guy for driving way over the speed limit but it's someone really important.''
Chief: ''Important like the mayor?''
Cop: ''No, no, much more important than that.''
Chief: ''Important like the governor?''
Cop: ''Wayyyyyy more important than that.''
Chief: ''Like the president?''
Cop: ''More.''
Chief: ''Who's more important than the president?''
Cop: ''I don't know, but he's got the pope DRIVING for him!''

Cure For Arthritis

A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. He sat down next to a priest. The drunk's shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick and he had a half-empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading. A couple minutes later, he asked the priest, ''Father, what causes arthritis?'' ''Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and contempt for your fellow man,'' the priest replied. ''Imagine that,'' the drunk muttered. He returned to reading his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, turned to the man and apologized: ''I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?'' ''I don't have arthritis, Father,'' the drunk said, ''but I just read in the paper that the Pope does.''

There Can Be Only One

One day God called the Pope, and He said, "I have good news and bad news. First the good news. I am tired of all the squabbling between the religions on earth. I have decided there will be only the one true religion."
 
The Pope was overjoyed and told God how wise His decision was, then asked, "What's the bad news?".
God said, "The bad news is that I'm calling from Jerusalem."

 

Preacher Humor

Walk On

There were three preachers: a Catholic, a Baptist, and a rabbi. They are all fishing out on the lake when all of a sudden the Baptist has to go to the bathroom. So he gets up and walks across the water, does his business, and comes back. Then all of a sudden the rabbi has to go, so he gets up and walks across the water, does his business, and comes back.

Then the Catholic has to go, but when he gets out he falls into the water, so he swims back, gets back into the boat, looks up, and says, ''God, let me walk across the water.'' Then he tries again and falls into the water, so he swims back, tries again and he falls again.

The Baptist leans over to the rabbi and says, ''Do you think we should tell him where the stepping stones are?"

Giving Back

A rich man decided he wanted to take his money with him when he died.  So he asked three of his trusted friends, a minister, a priest and a rabbi, to help him.  He gave each $100,000.00 and asked them to place the money in the casket before he was buried, and they agreed.

The day came when the man died, and after the funeral the three were talking.  The minister said, "I have a confession to make.  Our baptismal needed repairs, so I only put $80,000.00 in the casket."

The priest said, "I also have to confess.  The roof of the sanctuary needed repairs, so I only put in $70,000.00."

The rabbi said, "Why, I can't believe this!  I'm ashamed of both of you.  I put in a check for the entire amount!"

Confessional Attitude

The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.

The old priest suggests, "Cross you arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand." The new priest tries this. The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, I see, yes, go on, I understand. How did you feel about that?'"

The new priest says those things, trying them out. The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying 'Oh Boy! What happened next?'"

Work on the Sabbath

A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. He asks a priest for his opinion on this question. The priest says after consulting the Bible, "My son, after an exhaustive search I am positive sex is work and is not permitted on the Sabbath."
The man thinks: "What does a priest know about sex?"  He goes to a minister... a married man, experienced… for the answer. He queries the minister and receives the same reply.  Sex is work and not for the Sabbath!  Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority -- a man of thousands of year's tradition and knowledge: a rabbi.

The rabbi ponders the question and states, "My son, sex is definitely play."
The man replies, "rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?"
The rabbi softly speaks, "If sex were work...my wife would have the maid do it."

Taking a Break

A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him.  The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do. The rabbi comes, and he and the priest are in the confessional. In a few minutes, a woman comes in and says, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned."
"What did you do?" the priest asked.
"I committed adultery," said the woman.
"How many times?" the priest asks.
"Three," the woman replied.
So the priest says, "Say two Hail Mary’s, put $5 in the box, and go and sin no more."

A few minutes later a man enters the confessional. He says, "Father forgive me for I have sinned."
"What did you do?" the priest asked.
"I committed adultery," the man replied.
"How many times?"  the priest asked.
"Three times," the man replied.
The priest says, "Say two Hail Mary’s, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more."

The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it, so the priest leaves.

A few minutes later another woman enters and says, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned."
The rabbi says, "What did you do?"
The woman says, "I committed adultery."
The rabbi, getting it down pat, says, "How many times?"
The woman replies, "Once."
The rabbi said, "Go and do it two more times.  We have a special this week, three for $5."

Getting Ladled

An elderly priest invited a young priest to his home for dinner. During the meal, the young priest couldn't help notice how attractive and shapely the housekeeper was. Over the course of the evening he started to wonder if there was more between the elderly priest and the housekeeper than met the eye.

The elder priest reading his young friends thoughts, he volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, BUT I assure you, my relationship with my housekeeper is purely professional."

About a week later, the housekeeper came to the elderly priest and said, "Father, ever since the young Father came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose he may have taken it?

"I doubt it," said the elderly priest . . "BUT I'll write him a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Father, I'm not saying that you 'did' take the silver gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take the silver gravy ladle either, but the fact remains that it has been missing ever since your visit for dinner."

Several days later, the elderly priest received a letter from the young priest that read: "Dear Father, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with your housekeeper, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with your housekeeper either, but the fact remains that if you were sleeping in your own bed, you would have found the silver gravy ladle by now.  Sweet dreams!"

Church Job Descriptions

PASTOR...
Is able to leap tall buildings in a single bound; is more powerful than a locomotive; is faster than a speeding bullet; Walks on water; Gives policies to God.

ASSOCIATE PASTOR..
Is able to leap short buildings in a single bound; Is as powerful as a switch engine; Is just as fast as a speeding bullet; Walks on water if the sea is calm; Talks with God.

EDUCATIONAL DIRECTOR...
Leaps short buildings with a running start; Is almost as powerful as a switch engine; Is faster than a speeding BB; Walks on water if he knows where the stumps are; Talks with God if special request is approved.

MUSIC DIRECTOR...
Clears a Quonset hut; Loses race with a locomotive; Can fire a speeding bullet; Swims well; is occasionally addressed by God.

YOUTH DIRECTOR...
Runs into small buildings; Recognizes locomotives two out of three times; Used a squirt gun in college; Knows how to use the water fountain;
Mumbles to himself.

CHURCH SECRETARY... Lifts buildings to walk under them; Kicks locomotives off the track; Catches speeding bullets in her teeth; Freezes water with a single glance; When God speaks, she says, "May I ask who's calling?”

Good News and Bad News for Pastors

Good News: You baptized seven people today in the river.
Bad News: You lost two of them in the swift current.
Good News: The Women's Guild voted to send you a get-well card.
Bad News: The vote passed by 31-30.
Good News: The Elder Board accepted your job description the way you wrote it.
Bad News: They were so inspired by it, they also formed a search committee to find somebody capable of filling the position.
Good News: You finally found a choir director who approaches things exactly the same way you do.
Bad News: The choir mutinied.
Good News: Mrs. Jones is wild about your sermons.
Bad News: Mrs. Jones is also wild about the "Gong Show," "Beavis and Butthead" and "Texas Chain Saw Massacre."
Good News: Your women's softball team finally won a game.
Bad News: They beat your men's softball team.
Good News: The trustees finally voted to add more church parking.
Bad News: They are going to blacktop the front lawn of your parsonage.
Good News: Church attendance rose dramatically the last three weeks.
Bad News: You were on vacation.
Good News: Your deacons want to send you to the Holy Land.
Bad News: They are stalling until the next war.
Good News: Your biggest critic just left your church.
Bad News: He has been appointed the Head Bishop of your denomination.
Good News: The youth in your church come to your house for a surprise visit.
Bad News: It's in the middle of the night and they are armed with toilet paper and shaving cream to 'decorate' your house.

Music To My Ears

There was a church where the preacher and the minister of music were not getting along. As time went by this began to spill over into the worship service. The first week the preacher preached on commitment and how we all should dedicate ourselves to the service of God. The music director lead the song "I Shall not be Moved."

The second week the preacher preached on tithing and how we all should gladly give to the work of the Lord. The director lead the song "Jesus Paid it All."

The third week the preacher preached on gossiping and how we should all watch our tongues. The music director led the song "I Love to Tell the Story."

With all this going on, the preacher became very disgusted over the situation and the following Sunday told the congregation that he was considering resigning. The musician lead the song "Oh Why Not Tonight?"

As it came to pass, the preacher did indeed resign. The next week he informed the church that it was Jesus who led him there and it was Jesus that was taking him away. The music leader lead the song "What a Friend We Have in Jesus."

Muffled Miracle

One Sunday morning, a priest wakes up and decides to go golfing. He calls his boss and says that he feels very sick, and won't be able to go to work.  Way up in heaven, Saint Peter sees all this and asks God, ''Are you really going to let him get away with this?'' ''No, I guess not,'' says God.
The priest drives about five to six hours away, so he doesn't bump into anyone he knows. The golf course is empty when he gets there. So he takes his first swing, drives the ball 495 yards away and gets a hole in one. Saint Peter watches in disbelief and asks, '' Why did you let him do that?''
To this God says, ''Who's he going to tell?''

The Cardinal and the Rabbi Golf

The Pope met with the College of Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Shimon Peres, the former leader of Israel. "Your holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Peres wants to determine whether Jews or Catholics are superior, by challenging you to a golf match." The Pope was greatly disturbed, as he had never held a golf club in his life. "Not to worry," said the Cardinal, "we'll call America and talk to Jack Nicklaus. We'll make him a Cardinal, he can play Shimon Peres...We can't lose!" Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made and, of course, Jack was honored and agreed to play. The day after the match, he reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of his success in the match. "I came in second, your Holiness," said Nicklaus. "Second?!!"  exclaimed the surprised Pope. "You came in second to Shimon Peres?!!"
"No," said Nicklaus, "second to Rabbi Tiger Woods."

Rewarding Play

Three very religious rabbis in black with long beards were playing golf. A guy named Mulhaney wanted to play golf and this was the only threesome in which he could play. So he joins the rabbis and plays 18 holes. At the end of the game his score is 104. The rabbis shot 69, 70 and 71. He says to them, "How come you all play such good golf?" The lead rabbi said, "When you live a religious life, join and attend temple, you are rewarded."
Mulhaney loves golf and figures, what do I have to lose. So he finds a temple close to his home, attends twice a week, converts, joins and lives a holy life. About a year later he again plays golf with the three rabbis. He shoots a 104 and they shoot a 69, 70, 71. He says to them, "Okay, I joined a temple, live a religious life and I'm still shooting lousy. The lead rabbi said to him, "What temple did you join?" He said, "Beth Shalom".
The rabbi retorted, "Schmuck! That one's for tennis!"

Don't Rush Me

Father Murphy goes into a local bar in Dublin and approaches the first man he sees. "Do you want to go to Heaven?" he asks and the man says, "Indeed I do, Father." "Then for God's sake," commands the priest, "leave this pub right now." He then goes to the next man, "Do you want to go to Heaven, my son?" And the man answers, "Yes Father, indeed I want to do that very thing." "Then ye must get out of this pub right now!" orders the priest. Father Murphy continues this throughout the pub until he comes to the last man. "Do you want to go to Heaven, man?!" exhorts the priest. The man looks at his half-full beer, turns, looks at Father Murphy and says, "No, I don't, Father." "You mean to tell me, young man, that when you die, you don't want to go to Heaven?" asks the priest incredulously. "Oh, well, when I die, yes Father, I certainly do. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now!"

Liar Liar

A minister wound up the services one morning by saying, ''Next Sunday I am going to preach on the subject of liars. And in this connection, as a preparation for my discourse, I would like you all to read the seventeenth chapter of Mark''. On the following Sunday, the preacher rose to begin and said, ''Now, then, all of you who have done as I requested and read the seventeenth chapter of Mark, please raise your hands.''
Nearly every hand in the congregation went up. Then said the preacher, ''You are the people I want to talk to. There is no seventeenth chapter of Mark.''

Noah's Wife

A preacher, ending his sermon, announced that he would preach on Noah and his Ark on the following Sunday and gave the scriptural reference for the congregation to read ahead of time. A couple of mean boys noticed something interesting about the placement of the story of the Flood in the Bible. They slipped into the church and glued two pages of the pulpit Bible together. On the next Sunday, the preacher got up to read his text. "Noah took unto himself a wife," he began, "and she was" - he turned the page to continue - "three hundred cubits long, fifty wide and thirty high." He paused, scratched his head, turned the page back and read it silently, turned the page. Then he looked up at his congregation and said, "I've been reading this old Bible for nigh on to fifty years, but there are some things in it that are hard to believe."

The Preacher Wins

A clergyman was walking down the street when he came upon a group of a few boys about 10 years of age, surrounding a dog. Concerned that the boys were hurting the animal, he went over and asked them what they were doing. One of the boys replied, "This dog is an old neighborhood stray. We take him home with us sometimes, but only one of us can take him home. So we're having a contest: whichever one of us tells the biggest lie can take him home today." Of course, the Reverend was shocked. "You boys shouldn't be having a contest telling lies!" he exclaimed. He then launched into a 10-minute sermon against lying, beginning, "Don't you boys know it's a sin to lie?" and ending with, "Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie." There was complete silence for about a minute. As the Reverend smiled with satisfaction that he'd gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh. "All right," he said, "give him the dog."

How To Make A Mint

A rabbi and his wife were cleaning up the house. The rabbi came across a box he didn't recognize. His wife told him to leave it alone, it was personal.  One day she was out and his curiosity got the best of him. He opened the box, and inside he found 3 eggs and $2000. When his wife came home, he admitted that he opened the box, and he asked her to explain the contents to him. She told him that every time he had a bad sermon, she would put an egg in the box..........
 
He interrupted, "In twenty years, only three bad sermons? That's not bad."
 
His wife continued, "......and every time I got a dozen eggs, I would sell them for $1."

Just Shoot Me

Just before the Jewish New Year called Rosh Hashanah, a team of terrorists invades the synagogue and takes the rabbi, the cantor and the president hostage. Hours later, the governor stands tough, he won't give them a million dollars, nor a getaway car nor a jumbo jet. The terrorists gather the three hostages in a corner and inform them that things look bad and they're going to have to shoot them. Nevertheless, to show that they're not really a bad bunch, they'll grant each hostage one wish.
 
"Please," says the rabbi, "for the last two months I've been working on my Rosh Hashanah sermon.  What a waste to die now without having carried it before an audience.  I'll go happily if you let me recite my sermon.  It's an hour and ninety minutes long, tops."  The terrorists promise to grant the wish.

"Please," says the cantor, "after 50 years I've finally gotten the Hinneni prayer just right.  What a waste to die and not sing it to an audience.  It's only about 45 minutes long, then I'll go happily."  The terrorists promise to grant the cantor his wish, too, and they turn to
the synagogue president.
 
"Please," says the president with tears in his eyes. "Shoot me first!"

Where Is God?

A couple had two little boys, ages eight and ten, who were excessively mischievous.  The two were always getting into trouble and their parents could be confident that if any mischief occurred in their town, their two young sons were involved in some capacity. The parents were at their wit's end as to what to do about their sons' behavior.  They had heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children in the past, so they contacted him, and he agreed to give it his best shot.
 
He asked to see the boys individually, so the eight-year-old was sent to meet with him first. The clergyman sat the boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"  The boy made no response, so the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?"  Again the boy made no attempt to answer, so the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face, "WHERE IS GOD?"

At that, the boy bolted from the room, ran directly home, and slammed himself in his closet. His older brother followed him into the closet and said, "What happened?"  The younger brother replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time. God is missing and they think we did it!"

Bribe and Groom

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer: "Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I'm supposed to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that out." He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied. On the day of the wedding, when it came time for the groom's vows, the pastor looked the young man in the eye and said: "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?" The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes," then leaned toward the pastor and hissed: "I thought we had a deal."

The pastor put a $100 bill into the groom's hand and whispered: "She made me a better offer."

Just Visiting

A new pastor moved into town and went out one day to visit his parishioners. All went well until he came to one house. It was obvious someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he had knocked several times. Finally, he took out his card, wrote on the back "Revelation 3:20" and stuck it in the door. The next day, as he was counting the offering he found his card in the collection plate. Below his message was a notation "Genesis 3:10". Revelation 3:20 reads: "Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If any man hear my voice, and opens the door, I will come in to him, and will dine with him, and he with me." Genesis 3:10 reads: "And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked."