Never kick a fresh cow
chip on a hot day.
There's two theories to arguin' with a woman. Neither one works.
Don't worry about bitin' off more than you can chew. Your mouth is
probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.
If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin'
somebody else's dog around.
Never ask a man the size of his spread.
If you find yourself in a hole the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco.
Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.
Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad
judgment.
Always drink upstream from the herd.
When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't
be surprised if they already learned that lesson.
Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it
back.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it
back in your pocket.
Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.
To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say
it.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish,
and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
A fool and his money are soon partying.
Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?
Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as
adults enjoy adultery?
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.
Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than
standing in a garage makes you a car.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never
tried before.
My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is
serious.
It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite government
program.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the
trip.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so
good.
Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it!
No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the
waist change places.
Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three
weeks before you need it.
There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a
mistake when you make it again.
By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
Thou shall not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real
world.
It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.
