Jewish
Dads & Husbands
This page last updated:
03/12/2009 08:26 PM
Problems of Jewish Fathers | Let Me In |
Sometimers
God Is My
Father | This Is A Test |
It Takes
Time
Beware of the Shiksas
A Jewish boy comes home from school and
tells his mother he has been given a part in the school play.
"Wonderful," says the mother, "What part is it?" The boy says "I
play the part of the Jewish husband!" The mother scowls and says:
"Go back and tell your teacher you want a speaking part!!"
Q. Where does a Jewish husband hide money
from his wife?
A. Under the Vacuum cleaner.
The Problems of Jewish
Fathers
A Jewish father was concerned about his son who was about a year away from his
Bar Mitzvah but was sorely lacking in his knowledge of the Jewish faith. To remedy
this, he sent his son to Israel to experience his heritage.
A year later the young man returned home. "Father, thank you for
sending me to the land of our Fathers," the son said. "It was wonderful
and enlightening. However, I must confess that while in Israel I converted to
Christianity."
"Oy vey," replied the father, "what have I done." So in the
tradition of the patriarchs, he went to his best friend and sought his advice and
solace.
"It is amazing that you should come to me," stated his friend.
"I too sent my son to Israel and he returned a Christian..."
So in the tradition of the patriarchs, they went to their Rabbi. "It is
amazing that you should come to me," stated the Rabbi. "I too sent my son
to Israel and also he returned a Christian. What is happening to our sons?
Brothers," said the Rabbi, "we must take this to the Lord."
They fell to their knees and began to wail
and pour out their hearts to the Almighty. As they prayed, the clouds
above opened and a Mighty Voice stated, "Amazing that you should come to Me ... I too sent My Son to Israel ..."
Let Me In A Yid
locked himself out of his car on a hot summer day. He looked through
the garbage and found a wire hanger. He went back to his car to try to
open the lock.
He shoved the wire through the slightly
open window with his wife telling him, "Yitzchok, move it more to the
right...more to the left...Higher! Lower!"
Finally his wife said, "What's taking
you so long?"
To which Yitzchok replied, "It's easy
for you to say, sitting inside an air conditioned car!"
Sometimer's
A New York Yid left the snowy city for a
vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip in Atlanta and
was planning to join him in Florida the next day. When Jacob reached
his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.
Unable to find the scrap of paper on
which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in
from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was
directed instead to an elderly wife of a rabbi whose husband had passed away
only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail,
she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell
to the floor dead. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and
saw this note on the screen:
Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Your Loving Husband
P.S.: Sure is hot down here.
God is My Father
A young woman brings home her fiancé
to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find
out about the young man. The father invites the fiancé to his study
for a drink. "So what are your plans?" the father asks the young
man.
"I am a Torah scholar," he replies.
"A Torah scholar. Hmmm," the father
says. ".......Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house
for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?"
"I will study," the young man replies,
"and God will provide for us."
"And how will you buy her a beautiful
engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father.
"I will concentrate on my studies," the
young man replies. "God will provide for us."
"And children?" asks the father. "How
will you support the children?"
"Don't worry, sir, God will provide,"
replies the fiancé.
The conversation proceeds like this, and
each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that God
will provide.
Later that evening the mother asks, "How
did it go, Honey?"
The father answers, "He has no job and
no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm God."
This is a Test
Q. Why do Jewish divorces cost so much?
A. They're worth it.
Q. Why do Jewish men die before their
wives?
A. They want to.
Q. Why don't Jews drink?
A. It interferes with their suffering.
Q. Why is it so important for the groom
at a Jewish wedding to stomp on a wine glass?
A. Because it's the last time he'll put his foot down.
It Takes Time
An old Jewish man and a young Jewish man are traveling on the train. The
young man asks: "Excuse me, what time is it?" The old man does not
answer.
"Excuse me, sir, what time is it?" The old
man keeps silent.
"Sir, I'm asking you what time is it. Why
don't you answer?!"
The old man says: "Son, the next stop is
the last on this route. I don't know you, so you must be a stranger. If
I answer you now, I'll have to invite you to my home. You're handsome,
and I have a beautiful daughter. You will both fall in love and you will
want to get married. Tell me, why would I need a son-in-law who can't
even afford a watch?"
Beware of the Shiksas
A Jewish businessman warned his
son against marrying a "shiksa." The son replied, "But she's converting
to Judaism." "It doesn't matter," the old man said. "A shiksa will cause
problems." After the wedding, the father called the son, who was in
business with him, and asked him why he was not at work. "It's Shabbos,"
the son replied. The father was surprised: "But we always work on
Saturday. It's our busiest day." "I won't work anymore on Saturday," the
son insisted, "because my wife wants us to go to shul on Shabbos."
"See," the father says. "I told you marrying a shiksa would cause
problems." [back to top] |
