Jewish Moms
and Wives
This page last updated:
03/12/2009 08:26 PM
Adopt-A-Mom |
Being Thoughtful |
Depends on Perspective
Driving Miss
Bubbe | Letter to My Son |
One Liners
Wisdom
of the Sages | The Definition
of Chutzpah
What did I
tell you? | What I could
say!
The power of a Jewish
Grandma's prayers
One (or two) Liners
What's the difference between a Jewish
Mother-In-Law and a Rottweiler? Eventually the Rottweiler lets
go...
Q: What did the waiter ask the group of dining Jewish mothers?
A: "Is ANYTHING all right?"
Q: "How many Jewish
mothers does it take to change a burned-out electric light
bulb?"
A: None: "It's okay, I'll just sit
here in the dark..."
A Jewish mother bought her son two pairs of socks for his birthday and,
wishing to please her, he went upstairs to put a pair on. When he
returned, his mother immediately said, ''You don't like the other
pair?'"
My mother once gave me two
sweaters for Chanukah. The next time we visited, I made sure to wear
one. As we entered her home, instead of the expected smile, she said,
"What's the matter? You didn't like the other one?"
Definition of a genius - an average student with a Jewish mother.
Being Thoughtful
Sometime after Sidney died, his widow, Tillie, was finally able to
speak about what a thoughtful and wonderful man her late husband had
been. "Sidney thought of everything", she told her friends.
"Just before he died, Sidney called me to his bedside. He handed me
three envelopes."
"Tillie," he told me, "I have put all my
last wishes in these three envelopes. After I am dead, please open
them and do exactly as I have instructed. Then I can rest in peace."
"What was in the envelopes?" Tillie's
friends asked.
"The first envelope contained $5,000
with a note, 'Please use this money to buy a nice casket'. So I bought
a beautiful mahogany casket with such a comfortable lining that I know
Sidney is resting very comfortably."
"The second envelope contained $10,000
with a note, 'Please use this for a nice funeral'. I made Sidney a
very dignified funeral and bought all his favorite foods for when we
began shiva."
"And the third envelope?" asked her
friends.
"The third envelope contained $25,000
with a note, 'Please use this to buy a nice stone'. At that point,
Tillie held up her hand and pointed to her ring finger, on which was a
ten carat diamond ring. "So," said Tillie, "You like my stone?"
Depends on Your Perspective
Two Jewish women were sitting under hair dryers at the hairdresser.
The first lady says, "So nu, how's your
family?"
The second one responds, "Oh just fine.
My daughter is married to the most wonderful man. She never has to
cook, he always takes her out. She never has to clean, he got her a
housekeeper. She never has to work, he's got such a good job. She
never has to worry about the children, he got her a nanny."
She continues with a question to the
first lady, "So how is your son these days?"
The first woman says, "Just awful. He is
married to such a witch of a woman. She makes him take her out to
dinner every night, she never cooks a dish. She made him get her a
housekeeper, God forbid she should vacuum a carpet! He has to work
like a dog because she won't get a job and she never takes care of
their children, because she made him get her a nanny!"
Driving Miss Bubbe
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers,
a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He
thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!"
So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that
there are five elderly ladies, eyes wide and white as ghosts.
Bubbe, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand,
I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you
weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the
speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit?" she
asked. "No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... twenty-two
miles an hour!" Bubbe says proudly.
The State Police officer, trying to
contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not
the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, she grinned and thanked the
officer for pointing out her error.
The officer said, "But before I let you
go, ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car OK? These
women seem awfully shaken, and they haven't muttered a single peep
this whole time," the officer asks.
Bubbe replied, "Oh, they'll be all right
in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."
Adopt-A-Mom Rebecca
sprang to the telephone when it rang and listened with relief to the
kindly voice. "Darling, How are you? This is Momma."
"Oh Momma," she said "I'm having a bad
day." Breaking into bitter tears, she continued, "The baby won't
eat and the washing machine broke down. I haven't had a chance to go
shopping, and besides, I've just sprained my ankle and I have to
hobble around. On top of that, the house is a mess and I'm supposed to
have the Goldbergs and Rosens for dinner tonight."
The voice on the other end said in
sympathy, "Darling, let Momma handle it" She continued, "Sit down,
relax, and close your eyes. I'll be over in half an hour.
I'll do your shopping, clean up the house, and cook your dinner for
you. I'll feed the baby and I'll call a repairman I know who'll
be at your house to fix the washing machine promptly. Now stop
crying. I'll do everything. In fact, I'll even call your
husband Morty at the office and tell him he ought to come home and
help out for once."
"Morty?" said Rebecca. "Who's Morty?"
The voice says, "Why, Morty's your husband! Um....is
this 223-1374?"
"No, this is 223-1375," said
Rebecca.
"Oh, I'm sorry. I guess I have the wrong
number" says the voice.
There was a short pause, then Rebecca
said, "Does this mean you're not coming over?"
The Wisdom of the Sages
A Jewish town had a shortage of men for
wedding purposes, so they had to import men from other towns. One day
a groom-to-be arrived on a train, and two mother-in-laws-to-be were
waiting for him, each claiming ownership on him.
A rabbi was called to solve the problem.
After a few minutes of thought, he said: "If this is the situation,
you both want the groom, we'll cut him in half and give each one of
you half of him."
To this replied one woman: "If that's the
case, give him to the other woman."
The rabbi said: "Do that. The one
willing to cut him in half is the real mother-in-law!"
Letter to My Son
Dear Darling Son and That Person You
Married,
Happy Hanukah to you, and please don't
worry. I'm just fine considering I can't breathe or eat. The important
thing is that you have a nice holiday, thousands of miles away from
your ailing mother. I've sent along my last ten dollars in this card,
which I hope you'll spend on my grandchildren.
G-d knows their mother never buys them
anything nice. They look so thin in their pictures, poor babies.
Well son, it's time for me to crawl off
to bed now. I lost my cane beating off muggers last week, but don't
you worry about me. I'm also getting used to the cold since they
turned my heat off and am grateful because the frost on my bed numbs
the constant pain. Now don't you even think about sending any more
money, because I know you need it for those expensive family vacations
you take every year. Give my love to my darling grandbabies and my
regards to whatever-her-name-is -- the one with the black roots who
stole you screaming from my bosom.
Happy Hanukah,
Love, Mom
The Definition of
Chutzpah
A little old lady gets onto a
crowded bus and stands in front of a seated young girl. Holding her hand
to her chest, she says to the girl, "If you knew what I have, you would
give me your seat." The girl gets up and gives up her the seat to the
old lady. It is hot. The girl then takes out a fan and starts fanning
herself. The woman looks up and says, "If you knew what I have, you
would give me that fan." The girl gives her the fan, too. Fifteen
minutes later the woman gets up and says to the bus driver, "Stop, I
want to get off here." The bus driver tells her he has to drop her at
the next corner, not in the middle of the block. With her hand across
her chest, she tells the driver, "If you knew what I have, you would let
me off the bus right here." The bus driver pulls over and opens the door
to let her out. As she's walking out of the bus, he asks, "Madam, what
is it you have? " The old woman looks at him and nonchalantly replies,
"Chutzpah."
What
did I tell you?
The dutiful Jewish son is
sitting at his father's bedside. His father is near death.
Father:
"Son."
Son: "Yes Dad."
Father: (weakly) "Son.
That smell. Is Mama making my favorite apple strudel?"
Son: "Yes Dad."
Father: (even weaker)
"Ah, if I could just have one more piece of Mama's apple strudel. Would
you get me a piece?"
Son: "OK, Dad." (Son
leaves and walks toward kitchen. After a while the son returns and sits
down next to his father again.)
Father: "Is that you son?"
Son: "Yes Dad."
Father: "Did you bring
the apple strudel?"
Son: "No Dad."
Father:
"Why? It's my dying wish!"
Son: "Well Dad. Mom says
the strudel is for after the funeral!"
What I
could say!
Four Jewish ladies, at a resort
in the Catskills, were in rockers on the veranda and admiring the
scenery. After a while the first woman sighed, "Oy!" The others sighed
sympathetically. Then the second woman sighed, "Oy Vey!" The others
nodded. A third woman said, "Oy, Gottenyu!" The others nodded as if in
agreement. Finally, the fourth woman said, "Enough talk about the
children. Let's go for a walk!"
The
power of a Jewish Grandma's prayers
An elderly Jewish lady took her
young grandson to the beach. She sat in a beach chair beneath an
umbrella and tended her knitting while her grandson, wearing a sunhat,
played with a small pail and shovel at the water's edge nearby. All
about were other beachgoers, frolicking in the water, sunbathing, or
otherwise enjoying the day. Completely without warning, a tsunami
crashed ashore, destroying everything in its path! As the waters
retreated to the ocean, all about was chaos and destruction and the
fading sounds of the pitiful souls that had been swept out to sea.
Nothing remained ... nothing, that is, except for the elderly lady,
still sitting on her beach chair beneath her umbrella, with her
unfinished knitting on her lap, somehow miraculously unscathed. She
looked about, then she looked to where her young grandson had been only
moments before. She looked to the heavens, tears streaming from her
eyes, and called out to G-d: "Why lord, why? Why did you take my
beautiful grandson who had his whole life before him, yet leave me, a
pitiful old woman at the end of her life? Oh lord, would that you had
taken me instead of my grandson!" Moments later, seemingly in response
to her petition to the heavens, a second tsunami crashed ashore. For a
brief few minutes, once again all was chaos as the wave pummeled the
shoreline. Then, as its waters retreated back to the ocean, once again
the elderly lady found herself sitting as before, but this time at her
feet was her grandson, still with a small pail and shovel, playing as
though nothing had happened. The elderly lady looked up to the heavens
and exclaimed, "He had a hat!" [back to top] |
