Money Matters
This page last updated:
03/12/2009 08:26 PM
Have I Got
a Deal... | What, You Thought I Needed
The Money?
Marketing 101 | It's All In
The Mind | Business Is Business
Lottery Lunacy
Q. What's the difference between people who
pray in synagogue (church, assembly, etc.) and those who pray in
casinos?
A. The ones in the casinos are really
serious!
What, You Thought I
Needed The Money?
A Chassidic Jew walks into a bank in
Manhattan and asks for the loan officer. He explains that he is going to
Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $2,000. The
bank officer says, "We will need some kind of security for such a loan."
The Chassid hands over the keys to a new
Rolls Royce parked in front of the bank. The Bank does a registration
check with NYDIV. Everything checks out. The bank officer agrees
to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the
Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
While the Chassid is away the Bank
realizes their client is a multimillionaire. So several weeks later when
the Chassid returns, repays the $2,000 and the interest which comes to
$5.41, the loan officer questions, "Why would you bother to borrow
$2,000? You are very wealthy."
The Chassid replies, "Parking. Where can
you park in midtown Manhattan for two weeks for only five dollars plus
change?"
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Have I Got a Deal...
God goes to Italy and asks the citizenry, "Would you like to receive my
Commandments?" The Italians respond, "Give us a sample of
what they contain." When God says, "Thou shall not kill," they
say, "Sorry - can't handle that, so we'll pass."
God goes to Spain and asks, "Would you like
to receive my Commandments?" The Spaniards respond, "Give us a sample
of what they contain." When God says, "Thou shall not steal,"
they say, "Sorry - can't handle that, so we'll pass."
God goes to France and asks, "Would you like
to receive my Commandments?" The French respond, "Give us a sample of
what they contain." When God says, "Thou shall not commit
adultery," they say, "Sorry - can't handle that, so we'll pass."
God goes to to the Jews and asks, "Would you
like to receive my Commandments?" The Jews respond, "How much do they cost?" When God answers, "They're free of
charge," the Jews say, "Fine, we'll take ten."
Marketing 101 (Do not read if you are easily
offended.) Mr. Goldstein runs a factory
which produces nails. He is getting on in years, and decides that he
wants to take his wife to Israel for a trip. So he speaks to his son
Moishe, "I want to take your mother for a trip to Israel for a few
months--will you look after the factory for me?" "Not a problem,"
says Moishe.
Off go Goldstein and his wife, and they
have the most wonderful trip to Israel. On their return, Goldstein is
very anxious to find out how things went at the business, so he phones
Moishe and they make arrangements to meet at the factory. "Well,"
says the father, "how did the business go while I was away?"
Moishe goes to the drawer and brings out
the books. "No problems," says Moishe, and he opens up the books for his
father. And guess what--Moishe had tripled the sales. Mr.
Goldstein is absolutely overjoyed and asks his son, "How did you achieve
this result?"
Moishe answers that it was just too easy.
He goes to another drawer and brings out a poster of Jesus on the cross,
and underneath is written in big letters, WE USED GOLDSTEIN'S NAILS.
Well, the father is horrified-- "How could
you do this to me?! You know that I am president of the local U.J.A., I
sit on the board of the Keren Kayemeth--your Mother is president of her
Hadassah Group--I want you should never embarrass me like this again!"
Moishe apologizes and promises that it won't happen again.
A year later, Goldstein has the urge again
to visit Israel. So, he again asks Moishe to look after the factory
while he and Mrs. Goldstein make the trip. "Not a problem," says Moishe.
Well, off they go, and they have a very enjoyable time, covering the
country from north to south, east to west, and when eventually they
return home, Mr. Goldstein again phones Moishe to meet him in the
factory and go over the figures. They meet at the appointed time, and
Moishe again brings out the books to show his dad the figures. Guess
what--again he has tripled the figures. Well, Mr. Goldstein is
absolutely delighted, and just a little bewildered.
"Moishe, the last time you tripled the
figures, but this time you tripled THOSE figures. Tell me, how did you
achieve such a result?"
"Easy," replies Moishe. He goes to a
drawer, and brings out a poster of Jesus lying on the ground. And
below, in big lettering is printed, WE DID NOT USE GOLDSTEIN'S NAILS.
It's All In The Mind
Three Chassidim are each talking about who
has the greatest Rabbi:
The first one says: "Our Rabbi is so great, we were walking home
from synagogue on Sabbath and it was very hot. We said, "Rabbi, it is
so hot what can we do?" The Rabbi stopped and he prayed, and in front of
the Rabbi and behind the Rabbi there was heat. To the right of the
Rabbi and to the left of the Rabbi there was heat. And in the area
around the Rabbi it became cool and fresh and they all walked home.
The second one says: "That's nothing! We
were walking home from synagogue one Sabbath and it started to rain really
hard. We said, "Rabbi, we're going to get sick what should we do?"
The Rabbi stopped and he prayed, and in front of the Rabbi and behind
the Rabbi there was rain. To the right of the Rabbi and to the
left of the Rabbi there was rain. But in the area around the
Rabbi, there was no rain, and they all walked home.
The third said, "Is that all?? We were
walking home from synagogue on Sabbath, and we spotted a large bag filled
with gold coins that was lying in the street. We said, "Rabbi, so
much money, we could do so much work for the Chassidim, what should we
do??" And the Rabbi stopped and he prayed, and in front of the Rabbi and
behind the Rabbi there was Sabbath.....
Business is Business
An aging American school teacher, who was also a born again Christian,
sorely missed the good old days of teaching when she could preach from
the Bible and lead in school prayers. She was alarmed at how little her
students knew about religion & decided since it was her last year of
teaching, she was going to disregard the new strictures & teach religion
anyway. So, she announced to her class that she would have a contest
each day.
On the first day she told the students she
would give $25 to the student who could first tell her who was the
greatest man who ever lived. Immediately Moishe began to wave his
hand, but she ignored the kosher student in favor of those in her Sunday
school class. As she went around the room, she was disappointed at the
answers. Kathy, her best Bible scholar had picked Noah because he saved
all the animals.
Finally she picked on her rowdiest student
in exasperation. "I think the greatest man who ever lived was Alexander
the Great because he conquered the whole world!" "I think it was Thomas
Edison, because he invented the light bulb," shone the brightest
student. Finally, in resignation, she called on Moishe who was still
wildly waving his hand.
"I think the greatest man who ever lived
was Jesus, our Savior," offered Moishe. The teacher was shocked & doled
out the $25 reward to Moishe as she said, "Well, Moishe I'm very
surprised that you should be the one with the right answer!"
"Well, personally," Moishe replied as he
pocketed the money, "I think it was Moses, but business is business."
Lottery Lunacy
A Israeli buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Austin to claim
it where the man verifies his ticket number. The Israeli says "I
want my $20 million."
To which the man replied, "No, sir. It
doesn't work that way. We give you a million today, and then you'll get
the rest spread out for the next 19 years."
The Israeli said, "Oh, no. I want all my
money RIGHT now! I won it, and I want it."
Again the man patiently explains that he
would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years.
The Israeli, furious with the man, screams
out, "Look, I WANT MY MONEY!! If you're not going to give me my $20
million "right now," THEN I WANT MY DOLLAR BACK!!
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