Over 40
This page last updated:
03/12/2009 08:26 PM
Perks for People Over 40
Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
No one expects you to run into a burning building.
People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
Things you buy now won't wear out.
You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.
You can live without sex but not without glasses.
You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations.
You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks
into the room.
You sing along with elevator music.
Your eyes won't get much worse.
Your health plan is beginning to pay off.
Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't
remember them either.
Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
You can't remember who sent you this list.
Games for when we are older
Sag, You're it.
Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.
20 questions shouted into your good ear.
Kick the bucket.
Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
Doc Goose.
Simon says something incoherent.
Hide and go pee.
Spin the Bottle of Mylanta.
Signs of Menopause
You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
Your husband jokes that instead of buying a wood stove, he is
using you to heat the family room this winter. Rather
than just saying you are not amused, you shoot him.
You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.
The Phenobarbital dose that wiped out the Heaven's Gate cult
gives you four hours of decent rest.
You change your underwear after every sneeze.
You're on so much estrogen that you take your Brownie troop
on a field trip to Chippendale's.
Signs we are "old" is when...
...Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and
you answer, "Pick one, I can't do both!"
...Your friends compliment you on your
new alligator shoes, and you're barefoot.
...A sexy babe catches your fancy and
your pacemaker opens the garage door.
...Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles
out of your face.
...You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
...You are cautioned to slow down by the
doctor instead of by the police.
..."Getting a little action"
means I don't need to take any fiber today.
..."Getting lucky" means you
find your car in the parking lot.
...An "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee.
((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))
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