Pope Humor
This page last updated:
10/15/2006 03:58 PM
Direct Line
to God | Moishe and the Pope |
The Pope Chauffeurs
Arthritis Cure
| Only One Religion
Direct Line to God
The Chief Rabbi of
Israel and the Pope are in a meeting in Rome. The rabbi notices an
unusually fancy phone on a side table in the Pope's private chambers.
"What is that phone for?" he asks. "It's my direct line to the
Lord" said the pontiff. But the Pope can tell the rabbi is
skeptical, so he insists the Rabbi try it out. The rabbi picks up
the phone, and indeed he is immediately connected to the Lord. The Rabbi
holds a lengthy discussion with Him.
After hanging up the
Rabbi says, "Thank you very much. That was great! But listen, I
want to pay for my phone charges." The Pope, of course, refuses,
but the Rabbi is steadfast and finally the pontiff gives in. He
checks the counter on the phone and says, "All right! The charges were
100,000 Lira" ($56.00). The Chief Rabbi gladly hands over the payment.
A few months later, the
Pope is in Jerusalem on an official visit. In the Chief Rabbi's
chambers, he sees a phone identical to his and learns it is also a
direct line to the Lord. The Pope remembers he has an urgent matter that
requires divine consultation and asks if he can use the Rabbi's phone.
The Rabbi gladly agrees, hands him the phone, and the Pope chats away.
After hanging up, the
Pope offers to pay for the phone charges. Of course, the Chief Rabbi
refuses to accept payment. After the Pope insists, the Rabbi relents and
looks at the phone counter. ".50 shekels," ($0.42) he says. The
Pope looks surprised and asks, "Why so cheap?" The Rabbi smiles
and says, "It's a local call."
Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to leave Italy.
There was, of course, a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the
Pope offered a deal. He would have a religious debate with a leader of
the Jewish community. If the Jewish leader won the debate, the Jews
would be permitted to stay in Italy. If the Pope won, the Jews would
have to leave.
The Jews realized they had no choice.
They looked around for a champion to defend their faith, but no one
wanted to volunteer. It was too risky. They finally picked an aged janitor who worked the
night shift, Moishe, to represent them in the debate. Moishe, however,
had not talked much in years, so he asked for
only one condition to the debate. Not being used to saying very much
as he cleaned up around the settlement, he asked that neither side be
allowed to talk. The Pope agreed.
On the day of the great debate, the Pope and Moishe sat opposite
each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and
showed three fingers. Moishe looked back and raised one finger.
Next, the Pope waved his hand around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat.
The Pope then brought out a communion wafer and chalice of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple.
With that, the Pope stood up and said, "I concede the debate.
This man has bested me. The Jews can stay."
Later, the Cardinals gathered around the Pope, asking him what had
happened.
The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the
Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there
was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my hand
around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by
pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. I
pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us of our
sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an
answer for everything. What could I do?"
Meanwhile, the
Jewish community had crowded around Moishe, amazed that this old,
almost feeble-minded man had done what all their scholars had insisted
was impossible! "Well," said Moishe, "First he said to me,
'You Jews have three days to clear out of Italy.' So I said to him,
'Not one of us is leaving.' Then he tells me, 'The whole city must be
cleared of Jews.' So I said to him, 'We’re staying right here!'"
"And then?" asked a woman.
"I don’t know," said Moishe. "He took out his
lunch, so I took out mine."
The
Pope goes to New York. He is picked up at the airport by a limousine. He
looks at the beautiful car and says to the driver, ''You know, I hardly
ever get to drive. Would you please let me?''
The driver is understandably hesitant and says, ''I'm sorry, but I
don't think I'm supposed to do that.''
But the pope persists, ''Please?''
The driver finally lets up. ''Oh, all right, I can't really say no to
the pope.'' So the pope takes the wheel, and boy, is he a speed demon! He hits the
gas and goes around 100 mph in a 45 zone. A policeman notices and pulls
him over. The cop walks up and asks the pope to roll down the window.
Startled and surprised, the young officer asks the pope to wait a
minute. He goes back to his patrol car and radios the chief. Cop: ''Chief, I have a problem.''
Chief: ''What sort of problem?''
Cop: ''Well, you see, I pulled over this guy for driving way over the
speed limit but it's someone really important.''
Chief: ''Important like the mayor?''
Cop: ''No, no, much more important than that.''
Chief: ''Important like the governor?''
Cop: ''Wayyyyyy more important than that.''
Chief: ''Like the president?''
Cop: ''More.''
Chief: ''Who's more important than the president?''
Cop: ''I don't know, but he's got the pope DRIVING for him!''
Arthritis Cure
A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. He sat down
next to a priest. The drunk's shirt was stained, his face was full of
bright red lipstick and he had a half-empty bottle of wine sticking out
of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading. A couple
minutes later, he asked the priest, ''Father, what causes arthritis?''
''Mister, it's caused by loose living,
being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and contempt for your
fellow man,'' the priest replied. ''Imagine that,'' the drunk muttered.
He returned to reading his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had
said, turned to the man and apologized: ''I'm sorry, I didn't mean to
come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?'' ''I don't have
arthritis, Father,'' the drunk said, ''but I just read in the paper that
the Pope does.''
Only One Religion
One day God called the Pope, and He said,
"I have good news and bad news. First the good news. I am tired of all
the squabbling between the religions on earth. I have decided there will
be only the one true religion."
The Pope was overjoyed and told God how
wise His decision was, then asked, "What's the bad news?".
God said, "The bad news is that I'm calling from Jerusalem."
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