Preacher Humor
This page last updated:
10/15/2006 03:58 PM
Walk On
There
were three preachers: a Catholic, a Baptist, and a rabbi. They are all
fishing out on the lake when all of a sudden the Baptist has to go to
the bathroom. So he gets up and walks across the water, does his
business, and comes back. Then all of a sudden the rabbi has to go, so
he gets up and walks across the water, does his business, and comes
back.
Then
the Catholic has to go, but when he gets out he falls into the water, so
he swims back, gets back into the boat, looks up, and says, ''God, let
me walk across the water.'' Then he tries again and falls into the
water, so he swims back, tries again and he falls again.
The
Baptist leans over to the rabbi and says, ''Do you think we should tell
him where the stepping stones are?"
Giving Back
A rich man decided he wanted to take his
money with him when he died. So he asked three of his trusted
friends, a minister, a priest and a rabbi, to help him. He gave
each $100,000.00 and asked them to place the money in the casket before
he was buried, and they agreed.
The day came when the man died, and after
the funeral the three were talking. The minister said, "I have a
confession to make. Our baptismal needed repairs, so I only put
$80,000.00 in the casket."
The priest said, "I also have to confess.
The roof of the sanctuary needed repairs, so I only put in $70,000.00."
The rabbi said, "Why, I can't believe this!
I'm ashamed of both of you. I put in a check for the entire
amount!"
[back to top]
Confessional Attitude
The
new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks an older
priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple
confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the
confessional for a few suggestions.
The
old priest suggests, "Cross you arms over your chest, and rub your
chin with one hand." The new priest tries this. The old priest
suggests, "Try saying things like, I see, yes, go on, I
understand. How did you feel about that?'"
The new priest says those things, trying them out. The old priest says,
"Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and
saying 'Oh Boy! What happened next?'"
Taking a Break
A priest was called away for an emergency.
Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi
friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him. The
rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to
come on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit and show him what
to do.
The rabbi comes, and he and the priest are in the confessional. In a few
minutes, a woman comes in and says, "Father, forgive me for I have
sinned."
"What did you do?" the priest asked.
"I committed adultery," said the woman.
"How many times?" the priest asks.
"Three," the woman replied.
So the priest says, "Say two Hail Mary’s, put $5 in the box, and go and
sin no more."
A few minutes later a man enters the confessional. He says, "Father
forgive me for I have sinned."
"What did you do?" the priest asked.
"I committed adultery," the man replied.
"How many times?" the priest asked.
"Three times," the man replied.
The priest says, "Say two Hail Mary’s, put $5 in the box and go and sin
no more."
The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it, so the priest
leaves.
A few minutes later another woman enters and says, "Father, forgive me
for I have sinned."
The rabbi says, "What did you do?"
The woman says, "I committed adultery."
The rabbi, getting it down pat, says, "How many times?"
The woman replies, "Once."
The rabbi said, "Go and do it two more times. We have a special
this week, three for $5."
Getting Ladled
An elderly priest invited a young priest to
his home for dinner. During the meal, the young priest couldn't help
notice how attractive and shapely the housekeeper was. Over the course
of the evening he started to wonder if there was more between the
elderly priest and the housekeeper than met the eye.
The elder priest reading his young friends
thoughts, he volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, BUT I
assure you, my relationship with my housekeeper is purely professional."
About a week later, the housekeeper came to
the elderly priest and said, "Father, ever since the young Father came
to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver gravy ladle. You don't
suppose he may have taken it?
"I doubt it," said the elderly priest . .
"BUT I'll write him a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote:
"Dear Father, I'm not saying that you 'did' take the silver gravy ladle
from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take the silver gravy
ladle either, but the fact remains that it has been missing ever since
your visit for dinner."
Several days later, the elderly priest
received a letter from the young priest that read: "Dear Father, I'm not
saying that you 'do' sleep with your housekeeper, and I'm not saying
that you 'do not' sleep with your housekeeper either, but the fact
remains that if you were sleeping in your own bed, you would have found
the silver gravy ladle by now. Sweet dreams!"
[back to top]
The Staff
PASTOR...
Is able
to leap tall buildings in a single bound;
is more powerful than a locomotive;
is faster than a speeding bullet;
Walks on water;
Gives policies to God.
ASSOCIATE
PASTOR..
Is able
to leap short buildings in a single bound;
Is as powerful as a switch engine;
Is just as fast as a speeding bullet;
Walks on water if the sea is calm;
Talks with God.
EDUCATIONAL
DIRECTOR...
Leaps
short buildings with a running start;
Is almost as powerful as a switch engine;
Is faster than a speeding BB;
Walks on water if he knows where the stumps are;
Talks with God if special request is approved.
MUSIC
DIRECTOR...
Clears
a Quonset hut;
Loses race with a locomotive;
Can fire a speeding bullet;
Swims well;
is occasionally addressed by God.
YOUTH
DIRECTOR...
Runs
into small buildings;
Recognizes locomotives two out of three times;
Used a squirt gun in college;
Knows how to use the water fountain;
Mumbles to himself.
CHURCH
SECRETARY...
Lifts
buildings to walk under them;
Kicks locomotives off the track;
Catches speeding bullets in her teeth;
Freezes water with a single glance;
When God speaks, she says, "May I ask who's calling?”
Good News and Bad News for Pastors
Good
News: You baptized seven people today in the river.
Bad News: You lost two of them in the swift current.
Good
News: The Women's Guild voted to send you a get-well card.
Bad News: The vote passed by 31-30.
Good
News: The Elder Board accepted your job description the way you wrote
it.
Bad News: They were so inspired by it, they also formed a search
committee to find somebody capable of filling the position.
Good
News: You finally found a choir director who approaches things exactly
the same way you do.
Bad News: The choir mutinied.
Good
News: Mrs. Jones is wild about your sermons.
Bad News: Mrs. Jones is also wild about the "Gong Show,"
"Beavis and Butthead" and "Texas Chain Saw
Massacre."
Good
News: Your women's softball team finally won a game.
Bad News: They beat your men's softball team.
Good
News: The trustees finally voted to add more church parking.
Bad News: They are going to blacktop the front lawn of your parsonage.
Good
News: Church attendance rose dramatically the last three weeks.
Bad News: You were on vacation.
Good
News: Your deacons want to send you to the Holy Land.
Bad News: They are stalling until the next war.
Good
News: Your biggest critic just left your church.
Bad News: He has been appointed the Head Bishop of your denomination.
Good
News: The youth in your church come to your house for a surprise visit.
Bad News: It's in the middle of the night and they are armed with toilet
paper and shaving cream to 'decorate' your house.
Music to My EarsThere
was a church where the preacher and the minister of music were not
getting along. As time went by this began to spill over into the worship
service.
The
first week the preacher preached on commitment and how we all should
dedicate ourselves to the service of God. The music director lead the
song "I Shall not be Moved."
The
second week the preacher preached on tithing and how we all should
gladly give to the work of the Lord. The director lead the song
"Jesus Paid it All."
The
third week the preacher preached on gossiping and how we should all
watch our tongues. The music director led the song "I Love to Tell
the Story."
With
all this going on, the preacher became very disgusted over the situation
and the following Sunday told the congregation that he was considering
resigning. The musician lead the song "Oh Why Not Tonight?"
As
it came to pass, the preacher did indeed resign. The next week he
informed the church that it was Jesus who led him there and it was Jesus
that was taking him away. The music leader lead the song "What a
Friend We Have in Jesus." [back to top]
Muffled Miracle
One
Sunday morning, a priest wakes up and decides to go golfing. He calls
his boss and says that he feels very sick, and won't be able to go to
work.
Way
up in heaven, Saint Peter sees all this and asks God, ''Are you really
going to let him get away with this?''
''No,
I guess not,'' says God.
The
priest drives about five to six hours away, so he doesn't bump into
anyone he knows. The golf course is empty when he gets there. So he
takes his first swing, drives the ball 495 yards away and gets a hole in
one.
Saint
Peter watches in disbelief and asks, '' Why did you let him do that?''
To
this God says, ''Who's he going to tell?''
The Cardinal and the Rabbi
The
Pope met with the College of Cardinals to discuss a proposal from
Shimon Peres, the former leader of Israel. "Your holiness,"
said one of
the Cardinals, "Mr. Peres wants to determine whether Jews or
Catholics are
superior, by challenging you to a golf match."
The
Pope was greatly disturbed, as he had never held a golf club in his
life. "Not to worry,"
said the Cardinal, "we'll call America and talk to Jack Nicklaus.
We'll make him a Cardinal, he can play Shimon Peres...We can't
lose!" Everyone agreed it was a good idea.
The
call was made and, of course, Jack was honored and agreed to play. The
day after the match, he reported to
the Vatican to inform the Pope of his success in the match.
"I
came in second, your Holiness," said Nicklaus.
"Second?!!" exclaimed the surprised
Pope. "You came in second to Shimon Peres?!!"
"No,"
said Nicklaus, "second to Rabbi Tiger Woods."
Rewarding Play
Three very religious rabbis in black with
long beards were playing golf. A guy named Mulhaney wanted to play golf
and this was the only threesome in which he could play. So he joins the
rabbis and plays 18 holes.
At the end of the game his score is 104.
The rabbis shot 69, 70 and 71. He says to them, "How come you all play
such good golf?"
The lead rabbi said, "When you live a
religious life, join and attend temple, you are rewarded."
Mulhaney loves golf and figures, what do I
have to lose. So he finds a temple close to his home, attends twice a
week, converts, joins and lives a holy life.
About a year later he again plays golf with
the three rabbis. He shoots a 104 and they shoot a 69, 70, 71. He says
to them, "Okay, I joined a temple, live a religious life and I'm still
shooting lousy.
The lead rabbi said to him, "What temple did you join?"
He said, "Beth Shalom".
The rabbi retorted,
"Schmuck! That one's for tennis!"
[back to top]
Don't Rush Me
Father
Murphy goes into a local bar in Dublin and approaches the first man he
sees. "Do you want to go to Heaven?" he asks and the man says,
"Indeed I do, Father." "Then for God's sake,"
commands the priest, "leave this pub right now."
He
then goes to the next man, "Do you want to go to Heaven, my
son?" And the man answers, "Yes Father, indeed I want to do
that very thing." "Then ye must get out of this pub right
now!" orders the priest.
Father
Murphy continues this throughout the pub until he comes to the last man.
"Do you want to go to Heaven, man?!" exhorts the priest. The
man looks at his half-full beer, turns, looks at Father Murphy and says,
"No, I don't, Father." "You mean to tell me, young man,
that when you die, you don't want to go to Heaven?" asks the priest
incredulously. "Oh, well, when I die, yes Father, I certainly do. I
thought you were getting a group together to go right now!" [back to top]
Liar Liar
A
minister wound up the services one morning by saying, ''Next Sunday I am
going to preach on the subject of liars. And in this connection, as a
preparation for my discourse, I would like you all to read the
seventeenth chapter of Mark''.
On
the following Sunday, the preacher rose to begin and said, ''Now, then,
all of you who have done as I requested and read the seventeenth chapter
of Mark, please raise your hands.''
Nearly
every hand in the congregation went up.
Then
said the preacher, ''You are the people I want to talk to. There is no
seventeenth chapter of Mark.''
Noah's WifeA
preacher, ending his sermon, announced that he would preach on Noah and
his Ark on the following Sunday and gave the scriptural reference for
the congregation to read ahead of time.
A
couple of mean boys noticed something interesting about the placement of
the story of the Flood in the Bible. They slipped into the church and
glued two pages of the pulpit Bible together.
On
the next Sunday, the preacher got up to read his text. "Noah took
unto himself a wife," he began, "and she was" - he turned
the page to continue - "three hundred cubits long, fifty wide and
thirty high."
He
paused, scratched his head, turned the page back and read it silently,
turned the page.
Then
he looked up at his congregation and said, "I've been reading this
old Bible for nigh on to fifty years, but there are some things in it
that are hard to believe."
The Preacher WinsA
clergyman was walking down the street when he came upon
a group of a few boys about 10 years of age, surrounding a
dog. Concerned that the boys were hurting the animal, he
went over and asked them what they were doing.
One
of the boys replied, "This dog is an old neighborhood
stray. We take him home with us sometimes, but only one of
us can take him home. So we're having a contest: whichever
one of us tells the biggest lie can take him home today."
Of
course, the Reverend was shocked. "You boys shouldn't be
having a contest telling lies!" he exclaimed. He then launched
into a 10-minute sermon against lying, beginning, "Don't you
boys know it's a sin to lie?" and ending with, "Why, when I
was your age, I never told a lie."
There
was complete silence for about a minute. As the
Reverend smiled with satisfaction that he'd gotten through to
them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh. "All right," he said,
"give him the dog."
How To Make a Mint
A rabbi and his wife were cleaning up the
house. The rabbi came across a box he didn't recognize. His wife told
him to leave it alone, it was personal. One day she was out and
his curiosity got the best of him. He opened the box, and inside he
found 3 eggs and $2000.
When his wife came home, he admitted that
he opened the box, and he asked her to explain the contents to him.
She told him that every time he had a bad
sermon, she would put an egg in the box..........
He interrupted, "In twenty years, only
three bad sermons? That's not bad."
His wife continued, "......and every time
I got a dozen eggs, I would sell them for $1."
Just Shoot Me
Just before the Jewish New Year called
Rosh Hashanah, a team of terrorists invades the synagogue and takes the
rabbi, the cantor and the president hostage. Hours later, the governor
stands tough, he won't give them a million dollars, nor a getaway car
nor a jumbo jet. The terrorists gather the three hostages in a corner
and inform them that things look bad and they're going to have to shoot
them. Nevertheless, to show that they're not really a bad bunch, they'll
grant each hostage one wish.
"Please," says the rabbi, "for the last
two months I've been working on my Rosh Hashanah sermon. What a
waste to die now without having carried it before an audience.
I'll go happily if you let me recite my sermon. It's an hour and
ninety minutes long, tops." The terrorists promise to grant the
wish.
"Please," says the cantor, "after 50 years
I've finally gotten the Hinneni prayer just right. What a waste to
die and not sing it to an audience. It's only about 45 minutes
long, then I'll go happily." The terrorists promise to grant the
cantor his wish, too, and they turn to
the synagogue president.
"Please," says the president with tears in
his eyes. "Shoot me first!"[back to top]
The Third Degree
A
couple had two little boys, ages eight and ten, who were excessively
mischievous.
The
two were always getting into trouble and their parents could be
confident that if any mischief occurred in their town, their two young
sons were involved in some capacity. The parents were at their wit's end
as to what to do about their sons' behavior. They had heard that a
clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children in the
past, so they contacted him, and he agreed to give it his best shot.
He asked to see the boys individually, so the eight-year-old was sent to
meet with him first. The clergyman sat the boy down and asked him
sternly, "Where is God?"
The
boy made no response, so the clergyman repeated the question in an even
sterner tone, "Where is God?" Again
the boy made no attempt to answer, so the clergyman raised his voice
even more and shook his finger in the boy's face, "WHERE IS
GOD?"
At
that, the boy bolted from the room, ran directly home, and slammed
himself in his closet. His older brother followed him into the closet
and said, "What happened?"
The younger
brother replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time. God is missing and
they think we did it!"
[back to top]
Bribe
and Groom
During
the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual
offer:
"Look,
I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to
the part where I'm supposed to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'be
faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that
out."
He
passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied. On the day of
the wedding, when it came time for the groom's vows, the pastor looked
the young man in the eye and said:
"Will
you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and
wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear
eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even
look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"
The
groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice,
"Yes," then leaned toward the pastor and hissed: "I
thought we had a deal."
The
pastor put a $100 bill into the groom's hand and whispered: "She
made me a better offer."
[back to top]
A new pastor moved into town and went out
one day to visit his parishioners. All went well until he came to one
house. It was obvious someone was home, but no one came to the door even
after he had knocked several times. Finally, he took out his card, wrote
on the back "Revelation 3:20" and stuck it in the door.
The next day, as he was counting the
offering he found his card in the collection plate. Below his message
was a notation "Genesis 3:10".
Revelation 3:20 reads: "Behold, I stand at
the door and knock. If any man hear my voice, and opens the door, I will
come in to him, and will dine with him, and he with me." Genesis 3:10
reads: "And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid,
because I was naked."
[back to top]
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